dating

"I found myself wanting to kiss her." I thought I never wanted to have sex. Then, at 24, I met a woman.

When I was a teenager, some people would have perceived me as boy-crazy. To an extent, I thought I was. 

I enjoyed dressing up, going to parties and kissing the boys, because wasn’t that what girls were supposed to do in high school? *rolls eyes.* 

So there I was, making my way through my teenage years trying to impress boys at parties, and most of my friends were doing the same. I didn’t feel as though anything was off, it was all just... “normal”. 

Watch: Come on an intimate first date with the hilarious Ben Law: writer, broadcaster, and creator of 'The Family Law'. Post continues below.


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As we got older my friends started having sex and actually dating, whilst I continued doing the same thing — kissing boys and moving on with my life. 

I found myself feeling resentful of my friends who were having sex and had boyfriends because I didn’t understand why they would want to date and have sex, so I felt left out and awkward whenever sex or boyfriends were discussed. 

On every birthday after I turned 18 I would say to myself “before my next birthday I will have sex”. 

Suddenly I found myself at 24, and I still hadn’t slept with a boy or even had a boyfriend. I went on dates with men, however, it never led anywhere. I would always find an excuse or get 'the ick' within the first 10 minutes. 

When they offered to walk me home, I would think “please don’t kiss me”.

Some of my friends and family started to judge me for being 24 and still a virgin. 

I DREADED the drinking game ‘Never Have I Ever’ because I didn’t have any sex stories. Whenever I revealed the fact that I hadn’t slept with a man, my face went bright red and I knew I would have to answer the fundamental question: why? A question I didn’t even know the answer to. 

I clearly remember my sister and I were waiting for a train, and I asked her, “Do you think there’s something wrong with me?” She shrugged and answered, “Maybe.” 

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That night I changed my preferences on Tinder to include both boys and girls. For a while, I did nothing but swipe. 

I knew I had always found women beautiful and fascinating, however, I’d never considered the possibility that I was gay. I had gay friends and all of them said that they’d known they were gay for as long as they could remember, so I couldn’t be gay. Right? 

About six months later, I decided I would just go on a date with a girl and see what happened. It took me two hours to get ready, and I was so nervous. 

I ended up being an hour late to the date. As I was on the train, I kept thinking, “This poor lesbian. I’m leading her on. I’m not even gay!”

As the date progressed, I found myself wanting to kiss her. I went to the bathroom to mentally prepare myself and, when I came back, she turned to me and said, "I really want to kiss you." I could feel the butterflies as I said, "So do I."

We shared a kiss, and it was like it unlocked something inside of me. I actually LIKED kissing her. I had butterflies, and I actually wanted the kiss to lead to sex, which for me was HUGE! Not understanding? Well, let me explain what kissing boys felt like to me. 

[Maddie’s internal monologue] Okay he’s leaning in, alright our lips are touching, and now his tongue is in my mouth, what am I supposed to do here, is this supposed to feel good or sexy? Oh shit, my eyes are open, okay they’re closed now… how does this lead to sex, I feel nothing… 

This was a revelation for me, I was so happy for so many reasons. 

1. I finally understood the hype of kissing someone you were actually into. 

2. Turns out there wasn’t something wrong with me after all.

3. I no longer felt resentful of my friends, and I felt like I understood what dating was supposed to feel like.

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After this date, it took approximately one month for me to come out to my family and friends. 

I feel very fortunate that everyone in my life was supportive of my sexuality. I know that isn’t the case for all. I was lucky that what I had discovered about myself didn’t feel like a burden; it felt like a massive relief, like I had been carrying a weight that I didn’t even know I had. 

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I felt like a happier, lighter and healthier person. My oldest sister even said, "I feel like you're so much easier to get along with now." 

Fast forward three years, I am now 27 and living with my beautiful partner of one-and-half years (my longest relationship to date). I couldn’t be happier.

I think if we ever broke up my family would have a hard time choosing between us both. 

If you’ve stayed with me until the end of this article and have resonated with my experience, go out there and explore! 

Maybe you’re generally unsure about your sexuality, or maybe you’ve always known and haven’t felt confident enough to explore these feelings?

If that’s you, take this as a sign that it’s time to explore and have some fun! If you’re nervous, don’t worry; it can start small. 

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The first step is changing those gender preferences and making some connections! 

For more from Maddie, you can find her on Instagram.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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