Fashion. It’s a tricky business.
Sometimes, it’s like those crazy ol’ fashion designers are just drunk in their board rooms, playing a practical joke on us mere mortals.
“Lol rofl haha if we tell them to wear mustard-coloured culottes this summer, do you reckon they’ll actually do it? Tee hee smh lmfao”.
And then, sure enough, you see a pair of mustard-coloured culottes within the month, walking towards you at the Sunday Farmer’s Market.
The fashion bosses did it again recently. Because now, we apparently should all be wearing cropped, flared jeans.
CROPPED. FLARED. JEANS.
The only things that should be cropped and flared are hipster-y Instagram photos. Ain’t nobody going to look good in three-quarter denim pants shaped like an egg-timer.
Remember when full-length flared jeans got a bit o’ love in the early 2000’s? It was like a rebellion from the narrow-ankled, baggy-kneed overalls from the 90’s. But it faded fast. Thank denim.
Lately, flares are back. Because everything is back. Thanks to hipsters, there is barely a trend from the past 100 years that isn’t back in ironic fashion. In fact, don’t be shocked if you see a blunt-fringed, straight-faced girl walking down the street wearing oversized lense-free spectacles, and a hooped-bottom layered gown with a bustle, à la Scarlett O’Hara.
Listen to Mamamia Out Loud discuss the resurgence of the three quarter pant.
But nobody, NOBODY, should attempt cropped and flared trousers. Cropped, sure. Flared, maybe. But adding the two styles together is like adding peanut butter with vegemite. Total. Effing. Disaster.
Why would you want to add inches around the calf? Why would you want material flapping on your shins? Why would you want pants that are tight around the ass and va-jay-jay, and loose below the knee?
Also, what about the noise? Nothing says ‘classy’ like the sound of flared denim calves rubbing together as you walk through the office. Chhh. Chhh. Chhh. Chhh. Flap, flap. Chh… Yep. That’s a fashion mistake you can hear all the way down the street.
And furthermore, this will defeat the purpose of winter pants. I wear winter pants so I don’t have to shave my legs. Bring on the secret winter leg forest, because you can cover that mess up with the joy of PANTS!
Until now. When you’ll have to shave to at least mid-shin, because the damn cropped flares are showing off the sexy pale three inches above your ankles.
Watch our very own Monique Bowley provide some Oscar’s After Party fashion commentary. Post continues below.
Flared jeans are one of those trends that experts recommend for ‘tall, slim’ fashionistas. That’s their way of saying ‘this is a shitty trend, don’t expect to look good’. But when you combine flare + crop, you get the opposite of elongated legs. You get legs that look kind of wonky. No, really. Some fashion magazines are warning that cropped flares don’t work for everyone, because some people may look like their knees are too close together. That’s never been an insecurity we’ve had until now. Cheers, fashion designers.
Let the cropped and flared jeans die a quick, pain-free death. Bury them along with the donut hair bun, the mullet dress, and the gladiator sandals.
RIP croppy flares. Please, please… RIP.
Feature image via Getty.