Australia Day is next Tuesday. And you know what that means?
I mean, not technically. Maybe your “office” will “expect” everyone to “work” on the Monday, or as I like to call it, “The One Day Ruining My Plans For a 96-Hour Holiday”. But the Australian Chamber of Commerce and Industry chief executive Kate Carnell predicts around 180,000 people will call in sick on Monday.
You could be one of those people. *Sneaky hi-five* *Quick check to see if the boss saw*
There are pros and cons. The cons are, you’ll be ripping off your employer. Carnell expects, with the 180,000 sickies, a $62 million cost to employers across the nation.
Another con: everyone will know, and you won’t get the employee-of-the-month certificate you’ve had your eye on.
You might lose your job. You might be chased by a reporter from A Current Affair doing an exposé on slackers. Blah blah etc.
Watch Lee Lin Chin in an epic Australia Day commercial. Post continues below.
So it’s your call. Still up for calling in sick? Okay. Here’s a few tips to help you.
1. Lay your groundwork.
If a coworker asks what you’re doing this weekend, or for Australia Day, shrug casually and say: “Probably some washing. Maybe some adult colouring-in. Nothing exciting…” Do not refer to an exciting party or holiday house that you wish you could enjoy for longer, or you might as well wear a neck-sign saying “work-shirker”.
This day is important. Make sure you say “see you Monday!” to everyone at work. If possible, schedule some kind of meeting or social event for Monday, and loudly remind all your coworkers they need to bring a platter for the Bake Day, because you’re really looking forward to it. Try not to be too loud, or you’ll look suspicious.
3. The night before.
Send your boss/secretary/colleague a photo of you eating a massive seafood platter, preferably at a dodgy-looking restaurant. Casually mention that the dish is delicious, but strangely tepid. BOOM. You’ve laid the foundation for food poisoning (although try to avoid ACTUALLY getting food poisoning).
Don’t be too eager. Nobody likes a 7am text message. Go for the time when you would normally arrive at the office to call/message the appropriate person. Or, if it’s acceptable, send an email early on.
5. The phone call/message.
Keep it brief. Don’t give weird, exotic details about some fancy illness. They know you don’t have malaria because a monkey bit you. The most acceptable excuses are usually vomiting, diarrhoea, or the flu. Go with diarrhoea. They won’t ask many questions if you say that…
6. Enjoy the day.
Do NOT post photos of you lying on the beach to social media. Do NOT get a really obvious tan. Do NOT message your coworkers, rubbing it in their faces. But do make the most of the day, because you’ve lied a lot to get here.
7. Back to work on Wednesday.
Remember that your Australia day was “ruined” because of the “sickness”. Feel free to throw out a couple of Oscar-winning moments, like turning down an offer for coffee because your “stomach can’t handle it yet”. And whatever you do, don’t repeat the same pattern for Easter. They’ll be onto you.
Good luck, skivers. May your consciences not ruin your four-day weekend. Also, if anyone sees my boss, don’t tell her what I said… [Ed note: Lucy, you realise I’m reading this, right?]