‘Tis the season for unsolicited advice from relatives you haven’t seen since you were too-many egg nogs deep and filled with rum balls the same time last year.
Brace yourself, THE QUESTIONS ARE COMING.
Here are five ways to effectively deflect, intimidate and deal with the awkwardness as it develops throughout the afternoon. The probing questions, the advice you don’t need and the topics of conversation that are really best avoided – we have you covered.
The Sophie Monk
Particularly lately, Sophie Monk has been faced with some intense scrutiny and gut-twisting questions.
Speaking to Mamamia, she unwittingly revealed her secret for dealing with the awkwardness. She uses one word to kill the line of enquiry and make it clear: I am done with this question.
That word? “Yeah…”
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It could be a strategic defense mechanism. It might be just a Sophie Monk quirk. Whatever it is, a vague ‘yeah…’ trailing off at the end of a sentence lets the interrogator know it’s time for a new line of questioning.
The power move
One from the book of Hillary Clinton (and let's be honest, she's been up against the worst).
Don a pair of dark glasses and start replying to text messages at the table if your uncle won't shut up about when you might be "settling down" and your aunt keeps forgetting what it is that you actually do?
(If you really want to make it clear: Wear a pantsuit to Christmas lunch and no one will even consider messing with you).
This one takes a little bit of stealth, but I know you're up to it.
Keep things cordial and polite. Nod agreeably as you listen to your Auntie-in-law Edna talk about her hysterectomy and question you about your bowel movements, all the while tearing apart bits of napkin under the table and sliding them into her drink.
The Amy Schumer.
You might pay for it in the morning, but it's sure to see you through the most uncomfortably of situations.
Washing up with cousin Andrew who is finishing business school? And talks a lot about business? And doesn't stop saying the words 'business' and 'clients' and 'budgets' and also 'business'?
Nothing else for it... Bottoms up!
If all else fails...
If all else fails, take a cake to a corner and eat it with a fork Lena-Dunham-in-Girls style.
People will leave you alone and start talking in hushed voices to your parents. They won't be talking to you any more, just about you. And you'll be free to celebrate all that Christmas joy utterly in peace.
Good luck with the family gatherings today, folks. May the rum balls be plenty and the questions forgiving.
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