By BERN MORLEY
Over the past thirteen years I’ve been subjected to had the pleasure of attending many a child’s birthday party. In this time, I’ve seen the sublime to the ridiculous. The mind-numbingly crafty to the insanely over the top. It’s often a “parent-off”, basically a parental pissing contest to show who is the most unique and fabulous. The thing is, the kids, they don’t care. Whether it’s a party riding bikes in the local park or swimming with the dolphins, it all boils down to pretty much two things – cake and lolly bags
Here is what I’ve learnt:
1. There will be at least one musical instrument planted inside a party bag that will make you want to shove said musical instrument so far dispose of the mini piccolo/mini xylophone/ear piercing whistle the minute you get home. Basically this is an inside parent joke that passive aggressively tells you, the attendees parent, to suck it. I am trying to source mini bagpipes for Jacks 7th.
2. Your child will have their face painted in such a way that you will require sugar soap and a wire brush to remove it later that night.
3. A good party can be determined by the offer of Birthday cake to the parents in attendance. More than once I’ve had to simply be an outlaw and boldly ask for a piece of delicious cake when none was forthcoming.
4. Your child will cry at least once. There will be a minor head injury. And there will be a time when a giant medicine ball is released from a giant slide and will mow down an innocent child.
5. There will be a piñata incident. Whether it comes via a wayward child connecting with a parent’s testicles or just from a parent beating the Bejesus out of a stubborn cardboard Dora the Explorer with a broom handle to release the lollies, there will be something that has to be explained to a parent at some stage.
6. Your child will leave the party as a mess. Physically and emotionally. I mean, they’ve consumed their body weight in cheezels, red frogs and cupcakes, let’s face it, it’s a wonder they aren’t in a sugar coma.