I’m writing this today with tears in my eyes and trying to take deep breaths as I reflect on the life of an army wife. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into…
When I met my husband, we fell in love. We got married and had a beautiful little boy who is now 15 months old. But what I now realise is that no matter what I do or how many times my husband leaves and comes home again, I will never be okay with being an army wife.
You’re probably thinking that there are people who have it worse – and I fully understand and accept that. But unless you are the wife of a man who is away more than he is home, you will never understand.
When I read stories about FIO mothers and single parents, I completely sympathise but everyone deals with life and their circumstances differently. Sometimes I wonder if I was a single mother, at least I could accept that I was on my own and move forward, instead of forever waiting for someone to come home, only for him to only leave again the next week.
Recently I’d had enough. I cheated on my husband for the first time and what’s worse, I enjoyed it. Being in a marriage where you are always alone and forever bound to a man that can’t make love to you, or kiss you goodnight, or hug you when you're sad, can really start to take its toll on how you feel about yourself and how lonely you truly are.
What’s even worse, it was with his best friend. I swore to my husband I would forever be faithful, but there comes a time when the attention and the sexual attraction becomes all too strong. For months I had avoided this man and done everything in my power to not feel the way I do. But recently, my son became ill, again, and all I could do was cry. Cry that my son was in hospital, cry that I can't talk to my husband over the phone, and cry that I was all alone.
So you're probably thinking all of these horrible thoughts right now, that she’s an awful woman for cheating, or she is clearly depressed - well, you're probably right. Although I do know one thing - this affair made me feel alive again.
I never wanted to hurt my husband, because he is the most caring man I have ever met in my life. But as selfish as it may be, I needed this. I needed to feel loved again, to feel sexy again, and most of all, to feel whole again.
I can give you pages of reasons to attempt to justify my actions, but when it comes down to it, I have committed the ultimate betrayal. I will forever live with the guilt of cheating, but what I want you to understand, is that I have made my bed. Buy this is what I needed to keep my marriage and my life from falling apart.
I will keep telling myself, this is who I am, and it is what I needed. Now, I'm not saying that all army wives are the same and cheat on their husbands. but I guess I am just one of the weak ones, who fell too far into a deep hole, that only the touch of another man could bring me out of.
It is because I love my husband, that he will never know. I know his best friend will never tell, and neither will I. I do not care what impact it would have on me if it got out, but it would break his heart. So in order to protect him, it will forever be our secret. I will live with this guilt, because this guilt made me become a better loving wife towards my husband.
Being an army wife is so incredibly lonely. But I will forever appreciate my husband and all that he does to provide for us. Every time he comes home, I think about that other man - and when I look him in the eyes, it makes me love him even more.
Have you ever had any experience with infidelity? How did you handle it?
WATCH to see how to rebuild a relationship after an affair...