What your bridesmaid says vs what she actually means.

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Your bridesmaids are your A-Team.

The Mr T to the grey-haired bloke with the cigar – they’re your close friends who know that they can be honest and open with you, but also know when to pop a cork in it to prevent hurt feelings, tantrums and being socially outcast.

Here’s a list of 10 things bridesmaids tell you vs what they really think.

“I really, really love the bridesmaid dress you chose. Off the shoulder, corset ruffles…I will definitely wear it again. Definitely.”

If I say ‘really’ and ‘definitely’ a LOT then maybe it will sound convincing that after the wedding the dress will not be permanently residing in the far reaches of my closet next to my $79 GOOP yoga mat and trainers that were guaranteed to make my bum look like Kim K’s. Also not a fan of the double Spanx that are required to not make me look like I’ve just given birth.

“Sure, attending dance classes to learn choreography for your elaborate opening number/aisle walk sounds fun!”

Lady Gaga may have told us to just dance but she isn’t doing the running man in stilettos with a groomsman sidekick, who suffers from an underdeveloped sense of rhythm. Did I mention that I was wearing double Spanx?!

“I love talking about your wedding!”

I actually really do but before we talk about the traitors who haven’t returned their RSVPs in the allotted time, please allow me to unload about annoying Meg from work who although appears meek, is in fact a tyrannical, psychopathic overlord who is running my life. I need you as a friend as well as a bride to be, you get me and I have things going on in my life too…mainly plotting to dethrone Meg. I think I actually hate her.

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“No, you aren’t being a control freak!”

Yes, you are. Please let me organise your hens do without you getting involved.

I can do it.

I promise.

I manage 16 people at work and an internship program. Trust me, I can handle a cocktail party and booking a minibus. I really can. I’m 26 AND I have a first aid certificate and two credit cards.

“I will absolutely hold your dress while you pee.”

Oh God, is that actually a thing? Really? Just hitch it up. Or hold on. Taffeta and Urine. Gross. I’m going to ban liquids on the morning of your wedding or we can go shopping and find a dress that allows you to perform normal bodily functions without an escort.

“Of course I won’t sleep with the single and stunningly handsome groomsman.”

Hey! You two years ago would have totally jumped him. You’re getting hitched. It’s your day but it could be my night. Plus, he may turn out to be my future husband! Think of how awesome it could be for us if it all works out?

“6am pre-wedding bridal party barre fitness classes! Yes please!”

PLEASE No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the most hungover, sleep deprived, dedicated bridesmaid of them all? ME. No one should be putting their legs in these positions at this time of morning… ever… but I will because you are my mate.

Also, just quietly, screw sweating for the wedding, you are gorgeous and you know it.

Mamamia staff recall the worst request they received as a bridesmaid. Post continues. 

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“You don’t want me to cut my hair for 11 months because you’ve always dreamed of having bridesmaids with beefy chignons!? Of course!”

Just buy me a wig. Seriously.

“Of course I’ll come visit 36 bridal boutiques to help you find ‘the one’.”

For you anything, my friend but if there’s complimentary champs, I’m drinking it and I can’t promise to remember the specific details of ‘that cream lacy gown with the plunging back from store #26’ but I will nod as if I do.

“You are my best friend even though you may have gone temporarily wedding crazy.”

You are my best friend and even though you may have gone temporarily wedding crazy, I love you to DJs and back.

Planning a wedding, or know a woman who is? Find all the Hitched episodes here, in the Mamamia Podcast app, or wherever else you get your podcasts.

Love weddings or getting married and need to ask all the questions about venues, flowers, photographers, wedding dresses, EVERYTHING? Come join Mamamia’s wedding planning podcast Facebook group Hitched

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