I should explain that I’m writing this anonymously because I have a child’s privacy to protect. But if you and I met at a party, I would have no qualms in telling you – if you asked for relationship advice from me – that marrying for love is a mistake.
I know, because I did it.
I married a man I was desperately in love with. But I wasn’t wise enough at the time to realise that’s all we had. I learned the hard way that chemistry, passion, great sex… are just not enough for a lasting relationship.
Because in life, we need love, but we need other things just as much. Safety and stability, for example. Look at your best friendships: that’s what you need in your romantic relationships, too.
Common values can’t be underestimated – like a unified approach to finances. I know it sounds so boring – but, trust me, the alternative is a sh*tfight every week about money for years – and a marriage can’t sustain that.
It’s called compatibility, people.
Sure, no one knows what the future holds, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. That doesn’t mean you blindly forge ahead with a relationship and dismiss the realities of life. If you do, you’re not looking after yourself.
I certainly didn’t. I looked at the man I wanted to marry and I was just so in love – and, I’ll admit, so satisfied sexually – that I ignored the red flags. I never stopped to think “what’s in this for me?” apart from matching libidos and someone I could have a good conversation with. But now I know we just weren’t on the same page.
Top Comments
This is often what happened when people act on lust, passion, and infatuation. All of these things are A PART of romantic love, but alone they are NOT love.
Friendship should be the base of every romantic relationship. People talk about True Love, and well, Love is what brings people together, but that lasting friendship? That's the True part. Marry your best friend who you can call "dude" or "bro" and "babe" or "honey" equally. Having passion, sexual attraction, and feeling weak in the knees and giddy joy around them is great, but that's nothing to base a marriage off of. Imagine spending the rest of your life with that person, without any sexual passion, or that giddy feeling ever again. If it still sounds like a perfect match to you, marry them! If not.. you probably aren't really in love. Love, every definition of it at its most basic, is a willingness to sacrifice something of value (your time, your money, your space, your life even) for someone else, without wanting or getting anything in return, simply because that person is who they are.
This is why people need to date for more than a year or two before they get married, and why people shouldn't just start having sex as soon as they meet (or should wait until they are married, ideally). Sex, lust, infatuation with someone and who they are can all create a mock love that people often act on and the end results are usually tragic.
I try to keep Kahlil Gibran's poems in The Prophet in mind, when it comes to love and relationships (namely his poem On Marriage).
I remember a friends mum telling me this when I was only 19 - to make sure you have the same values and priorities as you partner, as it will impact every aspect of your life. As someone who, at the time, only cared about looks, chemistry and being treated well, it definitely got me seeing things differently from then and served me well. Something so simple, but when you're in that passionate love phase, easy to over look.