real life

The 7 things I’d sell my best friend or step over my mother for.

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I love my mother.

Like all good mums, she sacrificed a great deal to give me things she could only dream of when she was a kid. I, of course, repaid her by being the worst teenager ever.

We’ve since patched things up, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

But still, having said that, there are some things I would gladly, happily step all over her for.

Don’t judge me…

1. A sleep-in, a nap, any kind of shut-eye.

Before I had kids, I took sleep for granted. Big time. I knew that sleep deprivation was a huge part of parenting, but naively thought ‘my kids won’t be like that.’ Ha. Now there are times when I’d trade one in (whoever’s being the naughtiest) for an afternoon nap.

Occasionally the stars align, and both children sleep in past dawn, but this is so rare I have to set my alarm clock to 5:30am if I want some alone time in the morning.

2. Taking off an uncomfortable bra (and flinging it across the room).

Before I knew things about the world, I thought all bras were meant to be uncomfortable. I’d live for the moment I could get home, flick that hook-and-eye, unclasp that torturous bastard and fling it across the room. And yes, uncomfortable bras ALWAYS have to be flung across the room. The relief was palpable.

Then I wised up and discovered I was wearing the wrong cup size, oh for about two years, until I had a fitting and realised how much better I felt in the right size bra. Fact: they CAN actually be comfortable. My bad.

3. Finding a public toilet when you’re busting.

Your bladder after motherhood is a double-edged sword. On the one hand you can hold that wee for hours because every time you’ve even thought about going to the toilet, you’re distracted by a Lego injury, an epic poonami or another round of ‘I’m hungry’ even though they’ve just eaten the entire pantry. On the other hand you’re so close to wetting yourself on a daily basis you think ‘Stuff it, I’m just going to go ahead and buy stocks in incontinence pads.’

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I’d like to thank the genius who came up with the Public Toilet App for getting me through yet another day without wetting my pants.

4. A weekend with no plans.

Remember in your 20s when, if you didn’t have plans on a Friday or Saturday night, you’d feel like a total loser? Now, we moan anytime we have to get dressed up and leave the house, especially in winter. Not surprisingly, schlepping two kids around from playdate to birthday party to the park leaves you kind of exhausted. Now a weekend with absolutely no plans is an exhilarating idea. Bring on the ugg boots, takeout and Netflix binge-watching sessions.

5. My morning cup of tea.

I’m going to come right out and say it: I don’t like coffee. I drink it in bucket loads, but I don’t actually like it. I mean, don’t you think it tastes kind of like wet dog? And the breath it gives you is abysmal. Tea, Yorkshire Tea more specifically, on the other hand, I cannot live without. Calming, reviving, without any post-milk regret. Nothing gets between me and my morning cup of tea.

6. Going to the supermarket. ALONE.

Ok, so I realise this makes me sound a little unhinged, and clearly I don’t get enough alone time, but going to the supermarket on my own is like simultaneously running away from home and going on the funnest roller coaster ever. Maybe I’ll buy four magazines, or a family size block of Marvellous Creations — the jelly popping candy one. The possibilities are endless.

7. Discovering comfy undies.

BK (before kids) I used to be into shapewear in a big way – but AK (after kids) I’ve given them up – because I’ve discovered briefs that are invisible AND comfortable.

Heading out with briefs that eliminate VPL AND wedgies? Priceless.

What would you do almost anything for?

We don’t know about you, but we’re fairly certain we’d do terrible, terrible things for some of these: