'Since getting divorced, I'm having great sex. All my married friends are clutching their pearls.'

When I was married, I still had sex. But I didn't really yearn to have sex, the desire wasn't there. 

I did it because you kind of should do it to maintain a connection (turns out it didn't work). And after my marriage ended, my ex husband told me he didn't feel "desired" by me. 

Turns out he was right.

I think there's a myriad of reasons for that. A combination of resentment, the slog of life and working and raising young humans isn't particularly sexy. I was the primary carer and mental load weightlifter in the relationship.

But now? I can't get enough of it.

Watch: 'Australia’s most sexually active woman', Annie Knight | No Filter. Post continues below.

Video via Mamamia.

I think about sex constantly. And I want to be doing it, constantly. And my fellow divorcees confide in me they feel the same way. 

And I had the typical journey of what people do when a long-term relationship ends: I made up for lost time. 


Turns out the old gal's still got it. And pumas (basically a slightly younger version of cougars) are having their moment. Young blokes love us. We don't want to marry them, have kids with them or need anything from them really, except sex.

My youngest conquest was 22 and I'm in my 40s. It was a lot of fun. The young ones have stamina, but one thing I will say is that they are very lacking in foreplay. I had a lot of fun, albeit selfish sex. And my married friends were all but clutching their pearls as I regaled the stories of my "How Stella Got Her Groove back" sex festivals.

By comparison, they were not having earth-shattering sex in between Netflix series. The eye rolls were rolling in.

Now I am having great sex with the same person, who is not young, and therefore not selfish and I can't get enough of it. It's all I can think about. And I just assumed it was that new honeymoon phase, biologically we are designed to want to get pregnant and hot sex is nature's way of enticing us to do it. (I do not want to actually get pregnant, thank you very much). 

But then I watched Ester Perel talk about female desire recently and why it's so commonly lacking for females and suddenly the penny dropped. 

"How do I take care of others, be it in my job, be it in my family… or in my relationships, and how do I not lose touch with my own?" she said on her Instagram. "Hence the notion of staying attached to one's own wanting, to one's own preferences, desires, is particularly complex for women."


In a nutshell, in the tiring busyness and mental load of taking care of everyone else, we lose the capacity and the space for our desire. This makes sense because with shared custody I have breaks, times when I am not taking care of anyone and, desire to have lots of sex.

So how can we keep this or get it back if we are not sex-crazed divorcees? 

Perel says "to actually be able to let go and be freer sexually, they have to redirect some of that focus and energy back to themselves."


So by giving ourselves permission and the space to be more selfish, we will earn back the desire, the excitement and the yearning for pleasure. Carve out proper me time, leave the kids at home with their related babysitter (their dad). Have girly days, nights, go for solo walks, whatever fills your cup.

Then get your fix of date nights. Get rid of the kids, send them off for a sleepover. If you don't have family to help, set up a babysitting co-op with other married friends where you swap kid free nights (not keys, unless that's what you're into).

Perel explains: "In heterosexual relationships, you will find men are often very much thinking about her in order to feel good about himself, whereas she needs to feel good about herself in order to be able to think about him. It's the flip side. What works in our relational life is turned upside-down in order to liberate our erotic life."

Show your partner the Ester Perel video and get them to understand, if they take some off your plate, they will get some back on their plate. 

Everyone wins. You're welcome.

Feature Image: Getty.

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