BC (before children), I had some fairly solid views of what kind of parent I was going to be. Or should I say, what kind of parent I wasn’t going to be.
I wasn’t, for instance, going to hog the footpath with my megapram and obstruct the path of pedestrians. I was never going to refer to my husband as ‘Dad’ when I spoke to him as his WIFE.
I was also NEVER going to be that mother that handed her daughter a Chupa Chup at the checkout so she would just STFU (shut the… you get the picture).
Because dear readers, I was, at this stage, still yet to be a parent.
Here are some other beliefs I held before I had children.
1. I was never going to turn into my own mother and say the following:
“Do you live in a tent? Shut the door behind you.”
“Because I said so!”
“Stop it or I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!”
“There are children in Africa who are starving. Eat your dinner!”
“If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?”
Turns out that these idle threats words straddle generations and are used within almost every family unit. I remember wondering, quite seriously as a kid, how I could package up my brussel sprouts and somehow get them to Zimbabwe. You need to know that your kids are thinking the exact same thing.
2. I would not talk freely about bodily functions.
And yet here I am. I have a low tolerance, generally, for discussions about blood or poo or projectile vomit. Yet I have had intricate conversations about the consistency of my son’s bowel movements. “Was it runny? Did it have a certain odour? Was the colour not unlike that of mustard?” Who knew that these conversations would not only take place, they’d be a little enjoyable.
3. I was not going to have drugs or pain relief when I gave birth ‘naturally’.
Oh yes. I had *quite* the birth plan the first time around. It involved Enya, and it involved lavender oil, and it involved a fit ball.
I was also fairly adamant that my birth would not include drugs of any kind. And in the end, it didn’t. This is only because no one would give me any. I COMPLETELY abandoned my ridiculous plan three contractions in. The fact that my husband was still sexually attracted to (and talking to) me after that day is a credit to him.
Oh, and if I ever happen to see Enya, I’ll tell her exactly where she can ‘sail away to’.
4. I would not ever swear in front of my kids.
Bullshit. Look, I don’t swear at my children, but I’ve been known to *cough* drive and get frustrated. This has involved, at times, unsavoury words towards morons driving like, well, morons. It is inevitable that they will exposed to this.
5. I wouldn’t wear matching outfits.
Oh God, this happens almost unconsciously. It’s like one minute you’re your own person and then some inner demon takes over and you find yourself at a social event wearing matching lilac slacks and aubergine polo shirts.