'I ate 20 bananas a day and hid it from my family.'

This article deals with the topic of disordered eating.

Shivering from the winter air and lack of fat on my activewear-clad body, I tiptoed into the covered outdoor room (the only soundproof area) at my parent's house.

It was 6.30am. My knees hit the cold, stone tiles as I plugged in my blender.

It was my most prized possession, purchased with the first $700 I'd earned as a 16-year-old waitress. My friends spent their money on makeup, clothes and video games. But for me, the blender was worth every penny. And on this occasion, it was filled to the brim with one key ingredient: frozen bananas.

I looked nervously over my shoulder as I crushed the fruit into a creamy, frothy concoction, hoping I hadn’t woken my family. I poured it into a one-litre mason jar and stored it in my schoolbag, my parents none the wiser that it would be my lunch.

This was in 2016 and the vegan movement was in full force — vegan YouTubers and Instagram influencers dominated my social feeds and the decision to follow a plant-based diet — one touted as an ethical pathway based on my passion as an animal rights activist — quickly became an unhealthy obsession.

Soon, I was eating up to 20 bananas a day and became terrified of consuming fats and oils, thanks to the advice of strangers on the internet promoting a high carb, low fat, raw vegan diet.

I was so obsessed, I once cried when my mum used oil to make me dinner.

Image: Supplied.

Now, nearly 10 years later, I regularly eat a variety of meat, seafood, dairy and eggs.

And looking at some of the same vegan influencers I idolised in my adolescence, I can see that meat is also back on the menu for them.

So what was it that had so many of us in a chokehold?

Where did it all start?

Veganism was already growing in popularity, but the movement exploded around 2014, largely due to Australian YouTuber Leanne Ratcliffe, better known as 'Freelee the Banana Girl'.

Although Freelee accumulated a global following, her diet advice and vegan lifestyle became gospel for a lot of young Aussie women. By 2016 she published her ebook, The Raw Till 4 Diet, which promoted the diet she claimed was the optimal way for humans to survive and thrive.  

I first heard of the movement through former Australian internet celebrity Essena O'Neill and went down a rabbit hole of vegan YouTube videos — from documentaries exposing the harrowing truth of the meat and dairy industries, to lectures explaining the environmental benefits of veganism. 

And while these were the reasons I claimed to go vegan, I can see in hindsight that it probably wasn’t any of those reasons at all. 

I had spent years struggling with body image, overexercising and under-eating. I was underweight, had lost my period, and was obsessed with counting calories. I weighed myself several times a day and was careful not to let the number shift or fluctuate by even half a kilo. 

Then I discovered the Raw Till 4 community. The idea was to eat an abundance of raw fruits until 4pm, and a similar abundance of cooked, carbohydrate-focused vegan meals thereafter. 

Seeing the athletic physiques of those promoting the diet, I could finally imagine a world where I could eat as much food as I desired while remaining thin, and never having to count calories again.

Watch: When your kids find out where meat comes from. Post continues after video.

Some days I would have 10 bananas for both breakfast and lunch, others it would be 20 fresh dates blended with water into a smoothie. Dinners often comprised an enormous bowl of oil-free potatoes eaten in lettuce cups, as per Freelee's advice. I started to gain weight, but it didn't worry me as I was assured this was all part of the 'metabolic healing process'. 

However, my skin also broke out with angry, deep cystic acne. And, much to my embarrassment, I found it difficult to hide the sounds of flatulence from high volumes of fruit digesting in my stomach while sitting in a classroom at school. 

Not only was it mortifying, but also extremely painful and uncomfortable. 

Vegan for the animals, or an eating disorder? 

I want to clarify that I am in no way claiming that all vegan diets are bad for your health. Rather, I want to share my experience with a specific subculture of the vegan community, and how it affected my physical and mental health. 

In a 2019 video, YouTuber Tiffany Ferguson, known for her cultural commentary and analysis, discussed the problem with "restrictive" diets when she first converted to veganism in 2015. 

"Vegans on YouTube found it relatively normal to eat 14 mangoes and 10 bananas, and then binge on potatoes at night," Ferguson said.

"We’ve also seen a lot of ridiculous claims made by vegan YouTubers about how veganism can cure almost anything… but the YouTubers who were promoting those things and making those big claims often made (them) without any scientific facts."

It's important to note that Ferguson is still vegan to this day and I commend my many friends and family members who have stuck to the vegan lifestyle for the right reasons. But after much reflection (and therapy), I can see that my decision to follow a plant-based diet was masking a more glaring issue: an eating disorder. 

And it's unfortunate, because these diets also ended up giving veganism a bad rap and unravelled the hard work animal and climate activists have been working towards for decades. 

Speaking to Mamamia, MVS Psychology Group director and clinical psychologist Max von Sabler explained that an unhealthy obsession with eating foods perceived as healthy, pure or "correct" can be a sign of orthorexia.

"Some symptoms of orthorexia can include compulsive checking of ingredients lists and establishing a very narrow range of what we might term 'safe' foods," von Sabler said. 

Image: Supplied.

He added that those struggling with orthorexia may experience high levels of distress if safe foods are not available. 

Body inclusive dietitian Liana Tieri added that it can also be difficult to distinguish orthorexia due to society's fixation on 'clean eating'. 

"Whilst dieting has been around for centuries, the recent 'clean eating' phase has given licence for orthorexia behaviours to be encouraged and celebrated," Tieri told Mamamia. 

"This makes it easier for individuals to unknowingly slip into disordered eating patterns and increases the risk for a serious eating disorder."

So, how did it end? 

Over the past few years, several of the vegan influencers I followed released 'Why I'm no longer vegan' YouTube videos, which naturally received waves of backlash from the community.

"The most dangerous part of this is that these creators were admittedly feeling sick and they were getting progressively worse over the course of months and years," Tiffany Ferguson said in her video. 

"Meanwhile, they were still sharing what they were eating, they were still selling ebooks with meal plans, they were still profiting off of and spreading the very diets and lifestyles that were making them ill."

Among those with a strong following in the vegan YouTube community who later announced their departure was creator Bonny Rebecca. 

In 2019, Bonny released a video explaining why, after five years, she and her partner were no longer vegan due to skin and gut health issues.

"Now looking back on it, I'm like 'why did we keep eating that way when obviously it wasn't getting better', but at the time we were making so many excuses for it," Bonny said in the now deleted video. 

"And because we thought it was the healthiest way we could possibly eat, it didn't make sense that it was making our skin break out."

She also highlighted that health practitioners had advised she add animal products back into her diet after excess amounts of fibre had led to a bacterial gut imbalance. 

Unfortunately, Bonny’s video led to an intense amount of online hate as people claimed she was "never a true vegan". 

Listen: Why The Weird World Of Vegan YouTubers Is Imploding. Post continues after podcast.

Similarly, health and fitness YouTuber Sarahs Day posted a video in 2017 explaining why she quit veganism after six months of following a plant-based diet, and three months on a raw vegan diet. 

"I felt restricted… I was always hungry. When you’re vegan you’re basically just living off carbs, and lots of the things you’re eating are very low calorie. I just did not feel good, I felt like I was always getting sick… I was always light headed," she said in her video. 

Fellow Aussie influencer Christie Swadling had a similar experience on a raw vegan diet before returning to eating meat in 2018. 

"I was eating A LOT but still felt faint, tired and could barely keep my eyes open," she wrote in the blog post.

As for me, it was about three years into veganism that meat and dairy products returned to my plate. 

I had slowly started dabbling in cheese or ice cream before meeting my partner, who cooked me a steak. It was terrifying, but each small amount of animal products I consumed made me less fearful and my intangible list of 'safe' foods grew longer.

After spending so many years obsessed with food and my weight — and veganism — I finally found myself  in social circumstances without worrying about what to eat. 

Of course, that was also when I realised I was never vegan for the animals, or the environment. It was always about food and weight, and the power I held to control these aspects of my life. 

Of course I respect anyone who is vegan or plant based, but I’m glad to be free from the shackles of my own obsession. 

If you’re struggling with an eating disorder or body image issues, you can call the Butterfly National Helpline at 1800 33 4673 for free and confidential support, or email or chat to them online here.

Feature Image: Supplied.