The time has come. It’s been ONE WHOLE WEEK since we’ve seen Osher and goodness gracious where has he been our whole lives.
It’s the same mansion. There are an obscene amount of lights on. There are rose petals on the floor. But this time, it’s Georgia’s turn to find love in a hopeless place…
But first, we're presented with a lengthy backstory to explain/justify Love's single status. Because what kind of SICK, twisted, crazy woman is single in her late 20s...Ew gross.
Georgia Love, that's who. Tragically, she's put her career first, but after all these years it's time she made finding a relationship a priority.
She stares longingly into the distance and says "But at the end of the day I come home by myself..."
But that's not true because WE KNOW FOR A FACT she has a cat named Pawdrey Hepburn who features heavily on her Instagram account.
She says "your career's not going to come home and hug you at night," but...but Pawdrey will.
She then tells the cameras, "I've quit my job AND my career to be The Bachelorette." NOT YOUR JOB AND YOUR CAREER. OH GOD NO.
We're meant to feel sad because Georgia's bein' all single, but her life actually looks pretty good. She spends a lot of time staring longingly into sunsets and doing contemplative walking.
Now we get to meet Georgia's 16 eligible bachelors, which is frankly bullshit given Richie had 22 women to choose from. This is like The Bachelor version of the gender pay gap. But guys, let's be honest. We can't just have women running around on national television dating more than SIXTEEN GUYS at once. That would be absurd.
First, we're introduced to Cameron. He's a fireman. OOOOFT. Georgia asks him if he's ever been in one of "those" calendars, and he laughs and says yes, he's the calendar boy for May. Georgia says she'll remember him as Mr May, but we have a much better nickname. He's Fireman Cam. And we like him very much. So does Georgia.
Next she meets Jake. He wears a pinkie ring. Possible red flag.
When Georgia asks what he's looking for, he says "blue eyes." That's it. No strong values or personal qualities, just the eyes, thanks. They don't even have to be attached to anyone. They can be served on a platter.
Then there's...Rhys. Rhys looks like an impersonation of a hipster. We can't right now, so we're not going to. But he tells Georgia, "I do a lot of modelling." The world has ENOUGH models, Rhys. MORE THAN ENOUGH.
Rhys tries to impress Georgia by coming right out and saying "I do have something to say, and it's really important, so you really need to pay attention". NO. NOPE. NUP. NAH. NUH UH.
He speaks French (badly) and smile coyly as if to say "hehe how good is a conversation that only I understand...I'm smarter than you. Hehe." But jokes on him because Georgia also speaks French. And she's not impressed. That wasn't...fun.
SPEAKING OF FUN.
Okay, real talk. These intros were getting a little boring. The next guy was Carlos, who is a 'business mogul' (that's not a thing) and we think his business is...stripping. He's clearly a producer's choice. He gives Georgia a Tiffany bracelet and eugh. It's all very cliche.
Ultimately, these are just dudes with jobs and families bla bla bla repetitive bla.
A nice looking man in a blue jacket steps out of the limo. He appears to be...holding something. A rope perhaps. No...no it couldn't be...
HOLY SHIT WE ARE SO EXCITED GIVE HIM ALL THE ROSES.
Omg...he is so cute. He's wearing a hat and some kind of shawl. He doesn't know why he's there, because neither does anyone.
Sorry, but did he come in the limo? How did they...transport him? Is he being paid?
Hands down the donkey is the best thing that has ever happened in the history of The Bachelorette.
Lee (the donkey's plus one) makes some pun about "does my ass look big in this?" but frankly we think it's quite rude. The donkey isn't a GODDAMN JOKE. It's standing RIGHT THUR and has more charisma than half the dudes who have entered the mansion.
Georgia makes a bad joke, and Lee makes a bad joke, and they legitimately bond over sushi puns. Meanwhile...the donkey is still...there. Just waiting in the driveway.
Lee goes inside, and Georgia has her moment of reflection. But...where the fuck is the donkey? Why didn't he come in properly? Did he want to wear the hat? Is he Mexican?
Where do we meet him? Can we do an interview? Channel 10 press ppl?
Some guy named Ben has a tough gig coming in after the donkey. Especially because he's clearly meant to be the comic relief character. He tells Georgia "I did three nervous poos already," which is the kinda thing a four-year-old might say to an intimidating adult when asked what their name is on their first day of daycare. Not a good start Ben, not a good start.
He has two huskies, whom he loves "the most out of everything." That's how we feel about the donkey, so we like him.
The next eligible bachelor to step out is Clancy. Clancy's plan is to be 'normal'. Interesting strategy. He invites Georgia to shave his beard if she's not a beard 'gal. It's a clever move, but also feels a little too unhygienic and intimate for this point in time.
We then meet Sam, who is no doubt, 100%, meant to be the villain. And Jessie is feeling awkward because she's almost certain she's matched with him on Tinder. In the limo he says, "I've not had to put too much effort into chasing girls. Usually they come to me."
MATE YOU'RE SINGLE.
He reflects, "I am intimidated by girls who are independent and don't need a man." We're meant to be outraged, but it kind of feels like he's taking the piss. Out of himself. And that's funny.
"You have to be a special girl to keep my attention for longer than a week," he says. HA. Classic Sam.
He gets straight into the big questions, which Jessie is fairly sure he's used as an opening line on Tinder: Pineapple on a pizza?
But the big one (obviously) is: dogs or cats?
Oh no. Georgia...don't tell him about Pawdrey. It's too early. But she does. Oh JEEZ.
Sam says he's allergic to cats. Which is just straight up not true. It's what all men say when they really just don't like cats.
Now that we've met all the (interesting) bachelors, it's time for the cocktail party. Georgia struts her stuff to a room full of gorgeous men, who have come from all over Australia just to meet her, and who think she's the most amazing thing they've ever seen, and then behaves like all of us.
She stacks it. She pretends like it's all "haha lol" but deep down she secretly hates herself.
She covers it excellently, pointing out that she did NOT spill her drink, which is the most important thing.
But she still wants to die. In a hole. Alone.
The guys do what all guys do when put in a group situation - they start doing tricks and making up nicknames for each other.
There are a lot of people saying YOU'RE A WIZARD HARRY about the hipster guy ^^ which is obviously hilarious. And then they start comparing penis sizes, with one bachelor saying, "I brought my magic wand with me but it's not that big." HAHA dicks, amirite?!
Georgia has a private chat with Jake and tells him that her dad is a urologist, and her mum is a nurse. It's sweet that they're talking about family so early on, but then she decodes the term 'urologist', and explains her dad works with people with erectile dysfunction.
If our calculations are correct...that means that there is a doctor...specialising in erectile dysfunction...named Dr Love.
It's at this point that Jake remembers seeing Dr Love not too long ago. He's...humiliated.
But, you guys, this season there's a BIG TWIST.
Instead of the white rose, which in The Bachelor meant that a lucky lady (Alex) could take Richie away PRIVATELY to a PRIVATE place, The Bachelorette gets a 'first impression' rose. It's orange. And Georgia needs to give it to the one man who, you guessed it, made the best first impression.
So, obviously we're thinking, without a doubt, donkey. Who BY THE WAY is named Chelsea, and is actually a female, as the men discover when they go visit her in the driveway.
Point is - Courtney gets the orange rose. He told Georgia how he worked in childcare and how, for a living, he makes allergy bracelets for kids. ALLERGY BRACELETS. Our ovaries exploded all over the couch and now we have to clean it up.
A guy named Clancy gets his FACE SHAVED. We're impartial to the final product, and all we can think of when we hear his name is this:
Now, it's time for the rose ceremony. Nothing gets our little feminist hearts beatin' faster than a woman standing in front of 16 men telling two that it's time to get OUT of her mansion.
That Carlos guy who gave us bad vibes says, "it's crucial to get a rose tonight...it's like Willy Wonka." Except that Georgia isn't chocolate. She is a WOMAN. And you are most definitely not getting a rose.
It's a tense ceremony. There's a lot at stake.
Georgia hands out her roses, and sure enough, it's Carlos and a random man, who we never got the pleasure of meeting (we believe his name was 'Dale'? Perhaps? R.I.P.), who go home.
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We'd like to reflect on some of Carlos' best moments:
That time when he said, "I'm going to be honest I don't use Tinder. I do have Tinder, but I use it for business." Which is a) a lie and b) not a thing.
That time he spoke exclusively in hashtags.
That time he pretty much just yelled, "LOOK AT MA THINGS, LOOK AT ALL MA THANGS" for the whole episode.
The producers are going to be really mad that Georgia sent Carlos home in the first episode. It takes a long time to find people like Carlos. BAD BACHELORETTE.
But we're starting to see that Georgia Love might just be the lady we've been waiting for on TV. She's got no time for bullshit. Only love, and the occasional donkey.