EVERYONE SHHHH PLS, it’s James. He’s being insightful.
“Live every moment as it comes,” he says to no one in particular, about we do not know what. But, so true.
Speaking of being wise AF, Osher’s here and he has gone completely rogue.
“I’m afraid I’m not going to be whipping anything out of my trousers today gentleman…” he says and NO.
Now that Osher is one of the dude bros, he is experimenting with sexual innuendo and we do not appreciate it. The men all laugh, but none as hard as Osher.
Osher introduces Sophie, and, well, now we know why he was so uppity.
It's a f*cking game that no one gave him permission to create.
You see, Sophie's looking for a "real man" who can do "man stuff" (??) so Osher has created the Inaugural Bachelorette Real Man Games.
In one word... this entire concept is highlyproblematic.
Listen to Michelle Andrews and Zara McDonald discuss the latest episode of The Bachelorette on Bach Chat. Post continues after audio.
First, it's a plank off, and Mack tells the camera, "It's cold, it's rainy, not the best time to be doing planks," and we'd argue it's never the best time to be doing a plank.
It turns out that watching people be still for seven minutes isn't particularly compelling and we remember that manliness is one of our least favourite things.
Bingham falls early and no one is surprised, least of all Bingham.
The top eight men then get to go to the next round where they have to change all four tyres on a car, which is a situation that statistically will just never occur.
"NOW I'VE GOT TO CHECK YOUR NUTS," Osher says a little bit too loudly, and Osher pls, no more. It's 8pm.
Mack's team wins, but... but.
He just keeps... changing the tyre, even though the competition is well and truly over and no one needs to go anywhere so it's... fine.
Sophie AND Osher tell him to stop and he just keeps going and his face is red and he's not listening to anyone and no we're actually mad.
This has made everyone, but most of all us, cringe to the point of pain. And frankly it hurts. In our faces but also in our whole bodies and souls.
READ THE ROOM, JARROD. Everyone was sick of this stupid Man Games fiasco two hours ago and there's still more to go and everyone just wants to go home.
"It was important for Sophie to see that I didn't spit the dummy," he tells the camera too proudly. "I still finished the job," Jarrod says and no. It's important for Sophie to see you know when things are only a game and it's finished now.
Anywho, Jarrod is obviously eliminated, and now the men have to construct flat pack furniture because Osher had some left over he needs for his.. nook.
Surprisingly, what ensues is four people assembling furniture for several hours and the huge investment of time combined with the fact that at one point one man tries to sleep is a testament to how little thought went into the planning of this event.
Osher starts to commentate and people are fighting about nails and/or upside down drawers and for a good 10 minutes we feel like we're watching The Block which we did not sign up for.
Ryan starts to get angry because he can't get the drawers into his wardrobe, and starts just whacking it with a hammer.
"I hit it and it felt good," says Ryan, and a) something tells us he isn't actually talking about the furniture and b) they're the exact words every woman wants to hear from a potential partner.
James and Mack, who as a side note appear to be alarmingly good people, make it to the final round where they have to make fire.
Well, this is a game designed by Osher so obviously it's not that simple. It begins with making a fire (which is where it should stop). Then they have to build jenga blocks and grow the fire, before it engulfs a piece of string which will pull down a love heart lever and TOO MANY STEPS, OSHER. TOO MANY.
James wins and we are very excited. Mack, who lost, doesn't spend the next 48 hours trying to make a fire, because that would be weird and unnecessary. We appreciate Mack.
James and Sophie spend some alone time together and he asks her lots of questions which is refreshing. Sophie is overwhelmed by how perfect he is and laughs, "I'm just waiting to hear that at night you dress as a lady or something..." and he responds, "Nah, that's Jarrod," and everyone laughs including us because Jarrod is probably still changing that stupid tyre.
It's the next day and the boiz are sitting by the pool wearing far too much denim. Jarrod says, "Sam's losing the plot," and pot, kettle etc. because Jarrod had a competition with himself to change a tyre and we will never stop referring to it because it was the worst thing that's happened in our lives.
Sophie arrives and asks Sam on one of the single dates which she regrets ever promising. Sam is elated, probably because he's keen to look at her 'cans' in private.
They jump in the car and Sophie is driving because feminist but also Saudi Arabia.
It turns out they're going to be baking red velvet cupcakes, which sounds like something Sophie just wanted to do but then begrudgingly invited Sam because she promised him a date for a reason she can't remember.
Neither of them can even remotely cook, and it becomes clear they have the combined life skills of a three-and-a-half-year-old who doesn't give a shit. Within minutes the cake mix is a colour it absolutely should not be, and it's giving us anxiety.
Eventually, perfect cupcakes emerge from nowhere, and they sit down to debrief etc. "I know I inject magic into the day..." Sam says and honestly this just sounds like another ejaculation metaphor and we've had it up to here.
"Misery seeks company," Sophie says in a conversation that was not at all about misery, and Sam is legitimately overwhelmed by how smart and profound she is, even though the actual saying is "Misery loves company".
IT'S COCKTAIL PARTY TIME and you can watch it with your eyes closed because Jarrod is about to intricately describe every detail of what Sophie's wearing.
"She's in a nice olive dress... and her half-moon earrings..." IT'S TOO MUCH.
Apollo takes Sophie for some one on one time and starts waving a fork so it looks like it's bending. Sophie can't f*cking deal.
"NO IT IS BENDING" she gasps, but it's not. It's an optical illusion.
No one has ever loved magic as much as Sophie loves magic (and Apollo).
Oh no. It's Jarrod.
He's been staking out Sophie and now he has a gift.
It's two plants, one each, which feels an awful lot like giving someone a responsibility they didn't ask for.
"We're talking about growing love, and I thought we could try and grow something together," he says and why is this happening. He starts fingering the soil gently and talking about planting seeds and watching it grow. Even the plant doesn't want to be a plant right now.
Sophie says, "I killed a cactus once and that's meant to be impossible," and his eyes say "Shhhh olive woman, I don't care about your past, I only care about our future."
It's rose ceremony time, and literally everyone needs to go home. Including Osher.
But alas, Bingham does not receive a rose. All he did for two weeks was listen to Jarrod speak, and now he has to leave. What a ride.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
You can follow Clare and Jessie on Facebook, here.