We begin tonight’s episode with Steph reflecting that now Leah’s left the mansion, “Everything is hunky dory!”
But things were not hunky dory.
It’s approximately 45 seconds before everyone remembers there are other people to hate and new moral battles to be had.
Alix arrives with a single date card and we’re getting really tired of Osher being too busy with other things to deliver the cards himself. The contestants aren’t as good at presenting clues/building suspense/emerging out of the ground etc.
LISTEN: Wondering how the heck cheats prosper? Michelle Andrews and Zara McDonald debrief this episode on Bach Chat:
Elora gets the date AND THIS IS HER SECOND SINGLE DATE WHICH IS CIVIL-RIGHTS-MOVEMENT-LEVEL INJUSTICE. Some of his girlfriend’s haven’t even had one date, and Elora has had two and that’s two more than the girl’s who have had none and goodness gracious everyone is very upset.
Jen calls Elora "scum of the earth," which feels slightly uncalled for but okay.
Elora pretends to be sorry but she's not so it doesn't seem very authentic.
She meets Matty J in the Blue Mountains, overlooking the second poo-pond of the week. He tells her they'll be hiking to their unappealing destination, and then makes fun of her because she's wearing heels.
Look, mate. Before you take a woman hiking down a goddamn mountain you could at the very least tell her to pack her runners. You managed to ensure she had a bikini. This is why we need an Osher. Because he would have briefed her.
Back at the house, Michelle calmly reflects that she hasn't spoken to her boyfriend - who is currently frolicking half-naked with another woman - in a month.
Sharlene says, "He thinks I'm catering," and we just had to look up what her name was because her face didn't ring a bell.
They're all shitty because they cancelled their lives in order to date a man who ignores them, bla bla bla. Jen says, "Honestly if he pushed her off a cliff tonight I wouldn't be sad," and a) that's murder, which is a crime and b) things are definitely not hunky dory.
Over at poo creek, Matty couldn't afford a boat for this date, so they spend four hours blowing up an inflatable swan. It's really compelling television. Elora nearly dies from blowing so hard, and as soon as the swan is complete, it's clear swan doesn't want to be there. At all.
Even though we're pretty sure it's like midnight by the time swan is complete, they both jump in the brown murky water and start kissing etc. Elora says, "There's no way anything could get get any better at this point..." and we wonder if things might be better if Matty wasn't dating 10 other women, but idk idk.
Anywho, Matty finally lets Elora put her clothes back on and takes her to a fire in the wilderness. But as soon as they sit down, he throws swan under the bus, insinuating that he regrets letting swan come.
We actually can't deal with the backstabbing this season...
Matty reveals they have two separate cabins booked for the night (no cabin for swan) and he walks Elora to her door. They kiss, and she asks him if he wants to come inside. Matty politely declines because he's bunking with Osher and he promised they'd tell ghost stories before bed. Osher's bedtime is firmly 9pm, so he can't be late.
The next morning, all the women arrive for a GROUP DATE and it becomes obvious that Osher's absence at the mansion can once again be explained by the elaborate and nonsensical game he has planned.
It's a chemistry game, Osher explains, much like the Bachelor board game he was so very proud of. From the back you can hear Michelle yelling, "OI I WON THAT AND I NEVER GOT A PRIZE."
Osher has set up 'compatibility stations', which are literally just four questions about Matty the women have to answer. This time, he remembers that the winner should probably receive something, so there's alone time with Matty up for grabs. But as with all Osher's activities, there's a fundamental flaw - and this time, that is a serious lack of supervision.
Flo straight up cheats and doesn't give one single f*ck about it.
Even though someone's filming, and there's presumably an extensive production team on site, no one feels ruining the game is worth bringing up, so Flo wins and goes on a date with Matty.
On the date she didn't legitimately win, Florence confesses that she cheated because the game was a) poorly designed b) stupid and c) Osher wasn't supervising. They laugh, because dishonesty is funny but also sexy with a Danish accent. "I'm not sorry!" she says, and we all learn that if you want to win, it's best just to cheat.
She gets a rose, mostly because she was dishonest and that's what Matty is looking for in a partner.
OH STOP PLS.
It's the cocktail party, and Sharlene's gone rogue.
"I've spent 27.5 minutes with him," she laughs, but seriously she's been in this house for like three years now.
"I don't even know if he knows my name," she adds, and Jen is rolling her eyes because she hates it when people talk about things that are not Jen.
We've literally never seen two more unsympathetic people than Michelle and Jen, who say that Sharlene is her own worst enemy, and offer her precisely no support in approaching Matty. In fact, while Sharlene is being nervous, Jen gets impatient and steals Matty to bitch about Sharlene's awkwardness.
Sharlene eventually interrupts Jen and Matty with a rehearsed joke everyone told her not to tell, and asks if she can speak to Matty before walking in the opposite direction.
Eventually she sits with Matty, wanting reassurance and also to explore the romantic connection she insists they have. But Matty is confused because he swears he sent her home. But no Matty, that was Sian. They look kind of the same.
Matty cuts the crap, and says, "Is this going to evolve into a romantic connection? Unfortunately, I don't think it is," and all of us die inside, but mostly
Sian Sharlene who just repeats 'Thanks' on loop for a few minutes.
She then says with her face, "Oh, okay, is there somewhere I can go to die orrrr...?"
She returns to the women and says, "Oh bye I'm leaving now on my own terms because I don't even like Matty and NOT because Matty heavily implied that it's time for me to leave".
Jen, her best friend in the house, says, "I'm also going to go check on that because it's brilliant," and makes Sharlene tell her everything.
Sharlene suddenly becomes all of us, looking at the camera explaining; "he doesn't like pugs... and he doesn't train in martial arts... and he doesn't like musical theatre and I'm in a production every season. It was the right thing to happen, yeah."
At the rose ceremony, Osher forgot a bunch of roses and now there's only eight, meaning Matty will have to send an additional two women home.
Alix and Steph are sent home, which seems an interesting choice, but we're unfussed.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook, here.