We begin with Matty J swimming, because he is doing thinking, and everyone knows thinking is best done topless in a pool.
He says he’s had “trouble figuring out some of the women,” which yeah, is to be expected when he knows precisely nothing about almost all of them. He also sent one home last week for expressing her frustration with being on a dating show when she wasn’t going on any dates. It’s all very hard and confusing.
BUT STOP PLS.
It’s Matty’s sister Kate. You may know her from such shows as last season of The Bachelorette when she played herself. She’s here because Matty says sometimes you need someone with fresh eyes to come and take a look at all the women you’re dating. That sounds made up, but okay.
Matty explains to his sister that there were initially 22 girls and now there’s 14, as though this is a situation that makes any sense. Kate apologises because she is pregnant (GEORGE IS GONNA BE A BIG BRUTHA YAS) so she won’t be able to go overseas at the end of the season to meet the final girls. But she’s here now so she can get the judging done on her timetable.
When Kate arrives at the mansion everyone thinks she's an intruder which is frankly ridiculous because they should all have a copy of the Johnson family tree that Osher laminated for them at the beginning of the season.
She delivers a date card which feels
a lot a little like treading on Osher's toes but we're sure he's fine. Alix wins, and the rest of the women are told Kate will be spending the day with them.
Then Leah... starts... crying, which is definitely an alarm bell when you introduce someone to your family.
But wait. There are rumours. Apparently Leah's 'party planning' business, of which we did not know existed, is very loosely termed. And look, The Bachelor isn't known for it's subtlety, so before we can blink someone starts yelling, "rumour has it that she's a NAKED PARTY PLANNER" and oh goodness there was really no suspense.
Speaking of naked, over on the single date Matty has taken Alix to what looks like a hole in the middle of the ground filled with muddy water, and makes Alix get in a bikini so he can see.
Matty then goes into this long-winded spiel about how when he was younger someone he knew had a boat and they would wakeboard a lot and Jesus that story lacked a) character development b) a complication and c) a resolution.
Alix just keeps laughing about how she has no idea how to wake board and this date is literally our worst nightmare (why aren't you at least like... in the ocean?).
He jumps on the board thing and surfs the poo water and OMG HOW FUN IS IT TO WATCH SOMEONE WAKE BOARD?? (It isn't).
But now it's Alix's turn. "Wake boarding can be pretty hard when you don't have a lot of experience," Matty reflects, which begs the question who the f*ck takes someone wake boarding on a first date when they have shown literally zero interest in water sports.
For the next five minutes we watch a woman fail at an activity in a bikini. Cool. Eventually she stands up and eh we still don't care about wake boarding.
Back at the mansion, Elora is speaking to Kate about the other gurls and drops that she thinks Leah is - oh she doesn't quite know how to say - she's too innocent for this kind of language, but an 'exotic dancer'.
The music is legit as intense as if Leah was a mass murderer.
Elora explains that what Matty is looking for is a "nice and elegant" woman, and obviously the fact that Leah once took her shirt off for money disqualifies her from being either of those things.
Back on the never-ending date, Alix starts feeling sorry for Matty because he has to go on lots of dates with the other women she lives in a house with, and then she gets a rose.
GROUP DATE TIME WITH NO WARNING PLS.
Six women are suddenly in a child care centre because Matty wants to assess their maternal instincts in a public domain. We've obviously been waiting for this date because it happens every season but this one seems earlier and more... explicit.
OH IT'S OSHER. Where you been sweetie?
Oh, nevermind. It looks like he's been finding children to kidnap for Matty's very important experiment.
All the women start yelling, "I ABSOLUTELY LOVE KIDS!" which we take issue with because a) kids aren't a thing b) most people have no reason to hate them and c) why are these women being judged on how they interact with random AF children that they don't know?
We refuse to weigh in on how well the women did at woman-ing in this scenario because it feels objectifying and also reductive.
Kate decides to take Leah aside, mostly because she does not trust her with children ever since she heard that she's a 'NAKED party planner'. She asks a lot of questions such as, "Is this still happening now?" and "Does Matty know?" and given Matty would not even know Leah's surname, ummm, no he doesn't.
In Leah's defence, she has had no more than two conversations with Matty and both of them were about nothing.
Back on the date, the women are doing their best to exploit their chosen child so they can have alone time with Matty.
Even though Laura was unequivocally the worst with children, and her kid hid in the corner from her before running to naked party lady, she somehow 'wins' at being a fake mum.
Matty takes her away and says, "It's kinda funny that me and Laura find ourselves on a boat again," but it's not really funny at all because every date is on a boat. They fall in love and kiss etc.
The women have arrived home, and Leah has said about eleventeen times in this episode "IF I GO HOME TONIGHT I'M GOING HOME WITH A BANG." We think there is a 110 per cent chance she is definitely going home.
Leah confronts Elora and Simone about the whole 'you told our shared boyfriend's sister that I was naked that one time' situation, and says she feels 'judged' and 'attacked' which seems like a fairly valid emotional response.
Everyone keeps referring to this as "Leah's issue", and Flo straight up asks if she plans parties with her clothes on AND HOW IS THIS ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS?
Now Kate is telling Matty that Leah has something to tell him and refers to "serious allegations" about her 'business'. Matty asks two questions. Firstly, which one is Leah? And secondly, she has a business?
As Matty commutes to the cocktail party he reflects that whatever Leah is hiding is definitely not a good secret.
The moment he walks in the door he asks around for who Leah is, and then takes her to the secret garden. Pretty much immediately she tells him that she used to be a topless waitress and now she organises some events that have strippers etc. Matty looks disappointed and says, "I wish you'd told me sooner..."
Should that have been her goddamn gimmick at the rose ceremony? Should she have brought it up on a group date while attempting to catch piglets? Should she have introduced herself as "HI I'M LEAH, I WAS NAKED ONCE WHICH IS IN NO WAY RELEVANT TO WHO I AM NOW BUT I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW SO YOU CAN MAKE YOUR JUDGEMENTS SOONER RATHER THAN LATER. ALSO I KICKED MY TOE WHEN I WAS 12. AND I HAVE A CAT NAMED CAT. FIN."
She then drops in something about how she tried to 'break' Simone and it's... uncomfortable. Oh. And Simone used to be naked too.
Matty has had ENOUGH with the naked secrets, so makes Simone confess while looking him in the eyes.
Simone speaks a bizarre amount of sense, explaining that her work as a topless waitress has precisely nothing to do with who she is right now, and there hasn't really been an appropriate time to tell him.
Osher has frankly had enough of all this being naked business, and so enters the cocktail party early to tell Leah that Matty's waiting for her out the front.
He dumps her on the spot, because he is finding all this drama distracting, but mostly because it's universally understood that you must disclose to a man up front within the first 90 seconds if you've ever been naked. Thus, Leah lied about her nakedness. And maybe also tried to kill Simone. That's unclear... but both are equally serious moral transgressions.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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