By ROSIE WATERLAND
Oh look at that! We open with Bachie Wiggum doing some sport stuff in a tank top. He looks so sensitive with his muscles and his basketball. Swish bounce sporting talent swish.
Blake keeps shooting Bachie hoops while Osher’s hair heads to Ridge Forrester’s house to give the girls the mysterious date card that is a big mystery that will never be revealed until it is immediately revealed.
Lisa gets the single date, and everybody is shocked that
a ) she got the single date
b) that she is a person who exists on this show.
Seriously – the other girls don’t even come close to hiding their confusion about where the hell this random came from and how she managed to scam some one-on-one time. It’s like they just found out Courtney Love is going on a date with Stephen Hawking.
Blakey Wiggum has obviously forgotten all that stuff he said about real men picking up a women from their homes before dates. Lisa hauls arse in a car to some random waterfront location and finds Bachie standing next to a helicopter. We know he must be good at being around helicopters because he’s wearing aviator sunglasses and there’s lots of close-up shots of his aviator sunglasses.
They fly the helicopter to a field, where they get into some other planes which they fly around for a while, before going in the helicopter again and flying some more. Because Bachelor date.
They land next to a single table in the middle of some random front lawn, and Blakey Wiggum says this is his favourite restaurant in the whole wide world. It feels like each of his stuffed toys should have its own chair and he should pay with the money he made at his lemonade stand.
Blakey tells the camera that he really feels like his date has brought him closer to Lisa, which is true, in that he now knows who she is and that she is a person on this show.
Nothing much is happening back at Ridge Forrester’s house. Sam interrupts Audrey Day-Knight’s casual hanging out on a casual chair in the casual garden to talk to her about their ‘altercation’. They casually agree to disagree. Canadian killer horse girl is annoyed that she hasn’t been on a date yet because she ran away from life-threatening killer horses and she talks to anyone who will listen about how she definitely doesn’t want to talk about it.
OH MY GLOB MANUFACTURED DRAMA IS HAPPENING:
Holly the netball girl gets an emergency netball call from her netball mum. She has been selected for a very important netball thing. It could be the difference between her being a netballer/real estate person and just a netballer. She has the opportunity to lose her slash. But now she has to choose between this netball dream that she’s been working towards her whole life, and Blake, the man who she’s known for 3 weeks and is currently dating 18 other women.
It’s like a Sophie’s Choice: The Emergency Netball Edition.
She cries alone and ponders her options.
Back at the date, Blake and Lisa kiss, which he probably did just to keep her from realising that he can’t quite remember her name. Is she one of the Liarners/Briarners? He gives her a rose to wrap things up.
Lisa tells all the girls that she kissed Bachie, but not that he took her to a restaurant that was just a table in someone’s front yard. Super earnest Gushica can’t even deal. She goes into negative Gush.