real life

Rosie Reviews: Someone just quit The Bachelor. Mid-date. Because DRAMA.

Sports Bachie.
Sports Bachie.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Oh look at that! We open with Bachie Wiggum doing some sport stuff in a tank top. He looks so sensitive with his muscles and his basketball. Swish bounce sporting talent swish.

Blake keeps shooting Bachie hoops while Osher’s hair heads to Ridge Forrester’s house to give the girls the mysterious date card that is a big mystery that will never be revealed until it is immediately revealed.

Lisa gets the single date, and everybody is shocked that

a ) she got the single date

and

b) that she is a person who exists on this show.

Seriously – the other girls don’t even come close to hiding their confusion about where the hell this random came from and how she managed to scam some one-on-one time. It’s like they just found out Courtney Love is going on a date with Stephen Hawking.

Blakey Wiggum has obviously forgotten all that stuff he said about real men picking up a women from their homes before dates. Lisa hauls arse in a car to some random waterfront location and finds Bachie standing next to a helicopter. We know he must be good at being around helicopters because he’s wearing aviator sunglasses and there’s lots of close-up shots of his aviator sunglasses.

They fly the helicopter to a field, where they get into some other planes which they fly around for a while, before going in the helicopter again and flying some more. Because Bachelor date.

Playing restaurant.
Playing restaurant.
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They land next to a single table in the middle of some random front lawn, and Blakey Wiggum says this is his favourite restaurant in the whole wide world. It feels like each of his stuffed toys should have its own chair and he should pay with the money he made at his lemonade stand.

Blakey tells the camera that he really feels like his date has brought him closer to Lisa, which is true, in that he now knows who she is and that she is a person on this show.

Nothing much is happening back at Ridge Forrester’s house. Sam interrupts Audrey Day-Knight’s casual hanging out on a casual chair in the casual garden to talk to her about their ‘altercation’. They casually agree to disagree. Canadian killer horse girl is annoyed that she hasn’t been on a date yet because she ran away from life-threatening killer horses and she talks to anyone who will listen about how she definitely doesn’t want to talk about it.

OH MY GLOB MANUFACTURED DRAMA IS HAPPENING:

Holly the netball girl gets an emergency netball call from her netball mum. She has been selected for a very important netball thing. It could be the difference between her being a netballer/real estate person and just a netballer. She has the opportunity to lose her slash. But now she has to choose between this netball dream that she’s been working towards her whole life, and Blake, the man who she’s known for 3 weeks and is currently dating 18 other women.

It’s like a Sophie’s Choice: The Emergency Netball Edition.

She cries alone and ponders her options.

Back at the date, Blake and Lisa kiss, which he probably did just to keep her from realising that he can’t quite remember her name. Is she one of the Liarners/Briarners? He gives her a rose to wrap things up.

Lisa tells all the girls that she kissed Bachie, but not that he took her to a restaurant that was just a table in someone’s front yard. Super earnest Gushica can’t even deal. She goes into negative Gush.

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GROUP DATE TIME!

But first, here’s a Bach-lady refresher to get you through it:

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Huzzah! It’s a hiking/camping trip. Blakey Wiggum is wearing hiking boots so we definitely know he is an experienced hiking person. When they come across a complex puddle, he offers some helpful tips like “It’s okay to get your feet wet” and “There’s no crocs in these waters.”

Thanks Blakey.

Bachie says he picked this date because he’s hoping to find out which girls don’t mind getting their hands dirty who looks good without make up on.

The group comes across a flat patch of land that has a ready-made fire and a pile of brand-new tents waiting to be used. Blake, the expert bushman in fancy hiking boots, decides this will be an excellent spot to camp for the evening.

Lots of squealing/nature is confusing/why isn’t there a ceiling/yucky plants etc.

Two girls get roses during the night. Randoms.

Kookaburra in a tree/sun rising = morning time.

Holly is stressing out big time about her Netball Sophie’s Choice, and in a win for sensible and independent women everywhere, she pulls Blake aside and tells him she needs to leave the polygamy competition so she can be in the netball competition of her dreams. She cries. They say their goodbyes. Then she walks away… A few metres over to where the girls are.

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Netball Sophie's Choice.
Netball Sophie’s Choice.

She tells them she’s leaving, and somehow, even though they hiked for hours over treacherous puddles to get to this ready-made camp site in the middle of nowhere, a car pulls up before she’s even finished her sentence. She hops in, takes none of her stuff, and is whisked away to follow her dreams at netball camp like the selfish doomed-to-be-spinster that she is. It’s not even a limo, because only girls with their priorities in order deserve the limo.

Holly and her sensible choices are never spoken of again.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME.

Some girl I’ve never seen before is getting air time all of a sudden, so she is probably definitely going home. Oh my glob – her name is Shana and she’s a poker dealer and how have I not known that glorious piece of information until this moment?

Osher’s hair informs us that two girls are leaving the mansion tonight. Anita gets through – again – even though every time Blake sees her he basically pats her on the head and gives her a lollypop.

Two girls that I’ve never seen before get booted. Shana the poker dealer is one of them. The other one has a face and is wearing clothes.

No post rose-ceremony drama tonight, which is just as well. That shit was exhausting.

Next week: Canadian Killer Horse girl is still talking about the killer horses that she definitely doesn’t want to talk about.


Here’s the clip of the night. Holly makes her Sophie’s Choice (the netball vs Bachie edition):

Missed a recap? Catch up here:

Final Episode

Episode 19

Episode 18

Episode 17

Episode 16

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Episode 13

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Episode 6

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Episode 3

Episode 2

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