By ROSIE WATERLAND
Do I even have to say it? We obviously open on the ladies casually hanging out at Ridge Forrester’s house just being casual. They’re talking about what the house feels like without Laurina and all I want is for her to walk through the door holding a Dirty Street Pie in one hand and a mint in the other.
COME BACK TO ME AUDREY DAY-KNIGHT.
Osher’s hair arrives and… GASP! He is not carrying a date-card. What’s going on? Has Bachie run away to where it’s legal to marry a CrossFit machine? I’m frightened Oshie! Hold me and let me rest my face against your wall of eternal brilliance.
Okay everybody shut up he’s explaining:
Apparently there is no date-card, because the ladies are doing something BETTER than a date. Bachie is taking them on a trip! A trip to test their love. A trip to an incredibly exclusive and hard-to-reach location called the Blue Mountains. He really wanted to spoil them by driving an hour out of Sydney. He probably even let them go through the drive-thru at Penrith Maccas on the way.
Mountains/mountains/clouds/blue sky/lots of random shots of nature to make this trip seem a lot fancier than it actually is. The editor is really earning his pay check tonight. At least he would be, if Channel Ten employees were paid in cash and not locks of Osher’s hair.
Bachie says he organised this romantic trip because he needs to figure some important shit out, and he really likes the way his thinking face looks with a nature backdrop. “I think I’m falling in love with more than one woman,” he says. “I know that makes me sound crazy.”
Oh Bachie. Don’t be silly! That doesn’t make you sound crazy!
IT MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE A DICK.
The five remaining lucky ladies meet Bachie and Osher on a cliff-top because this is the Blue Mountains and it is definitely fancy and exotic and not the cheapest getaway option they could find.Shhh! Osher’s explaining how our boyfriend feels about us.
And… What’s going on? Osher started talking and he hasn’t stopped. He is helpfully explaining all of Bachie’s feelings while Bachie stands very still, concentrating on keeping his ‘thinking face’ on. Seriously – this is the most lines Osher’s hair has said in one go since Australian Idol. This sudden chunk of dialogue is either because
a) he has a line quota for the season that he hasn’t met yet because he spent so much time crying in his trailer while hugging a poster of Dicko