By ROSIE WATERLAND
And the Channel Ten editors have officially given up as we, once again, open on the girls casually hanging out in Ridge Forrester’s house just being casual (BINGO!).
There are six girls left, and it’s clearly very important that we know there’s only six girls left, since they keep mentioning how they are the six girls who are left. Six.
Osher enters and drops this nonsensical line: “That’s do what they say. Good morning ladies!”
Oh god. He’s broken. Hosting this show has actually broken his brain. Someone get him to a hair salon STAT. THREE BOXES OF NICE ‘N’ EASY RIGHT NOW. He needs to reprogram! #SaveOsher
SINGLE DATE TIME!
Sam got the single date and – oh glob. WTF is this? Why is there a small confused child dressed as a fairy at The Bachelor house? Who in their RIGHT MIND thought it would be a good idea to give a little girl a starring role on The Bachelor? Was it Osher and his broken brain? Did Sandra Sully let him go to a strategy meeting?
How did this idea even get past the planning stages? I imagine it went something like this:
“Hey so do you know what would be SO appropriate? If we dress a 4-year-old kid up as a fairy and have her meet Sam at the mansion before her date! How cute would it be to involve a little girl in a show about a man dating several women at once?”
“And let’s make sure she does something really important: like giving Sam the sexy dress she’s going to wear on her date with the man who previously made women compete for him in a mechanical bull contest!”
“OMG let’s put her hair in ringlets and give her a wand and teach her everything we can about feminism because totes appropriate! The Bachelor is the best possible environment for a little girl to learn about romance and relationships. We are NAILING THIS!”
After the little girl gives Sam the dress Bachie has demanded she wear, she takes off down the garden path and into a life of taking a copy of “10 Ways To Make Him Love You” with her wherever she goes.
Bachie kicks off the date by taking Closet Bogan Sam to some jewellery store where she gets to “borrow whatever she would like.”
The ‘borrowing’ part does nothing to stop Sam from losing all of her shit. She actually cannot even deal with the fact she is in a jewellery store that isn’t Diva.
She starts crying and convulsing and Bachie is very satisfied with that response. He did, after all, put a lot of work into getting dressed and turning up to this location.
“I don’t think she’d ever been in that scenario before,” Bachie says, patting himself on the back. Which is true: I doubt many girls have been taken to a jewellery store and been told they can pick whatever they like, except LOL JKS you don’t actually get to keep it. PSYCH!
Borrowed jewellery generously acquired, they go to The Tea Room, which you know is fancy because the table has a fishbowl on it filled with Lindor Balls. Lindor Balls + Fishbowl = CLASSY AS SHIT.
Bachie asks Sam to dance and her inner-closet bogan chooses that exact moment to pull mints out of her bra, which is lovely and endearing and she’s just too adorable and she deserves better than to be crying with happiness over a guy who flexes his muscles while reading the paper.
He gives her a box made of chocolate, and the choice to either eat it, or open it.
I would have eaten it. And that’s even before I saw the ugly necklace inside.
Love/love/so happy/can’t believe how lucky I am/it’s almost like you’re not dating five other women/kiss/kiss etc. Gives her a rose.
GROUP DATE TIME!
Oh my, Bachie has decided everybody needs a bit of culture, so tonight’s group date is ‘Arabian’ themed. The culture of which is exclusively described as ‘exotic’. Everything is ‘exotic’. The night is ‘exotic’. The building is ‘exotic’. The dancers are ‘exotic’. The food is ‘exotic’. The drinks are ‘exotic’. Looks like ‘exotic’ is the only word approved by Channel Ten to describe anything that isn’t caucasian.
An epic belly dancing war breaks out. All the girls are suddenly possessed by the spirit of some kind of rhythmless aerobics instructor who’s had too many sparkling wines. And is also, obviously, ‘exotic’:
Everyone’s number-one priority for the evening is to try and keep Gushica from having slow-blinking forehead sex with Bachie. But judging by the way she’s eyeing him off during the belly-dance, she’s already at least given him forehead oral.
Bachie’s hooked. He takes Guchica for some alone time, in which she continues to have slow-blinking forehead sex with Bachie. She also vomits out significant gush.
But it seems like Bachie is finally realising that slow blinking forehead sex isn’t actual, real sexy sex. Gushica has officially tipped the scales from dream-girl into crazy-girl.
Bachie pulls Laurina aside for some alone time, and as they walk away the girls discuss how she does this weird thing where she changes her feelings about Bachie depending on little things like, oh you know, his behaviour, and the way he treats her.
They don’t get it. How very DARE she not love him indiscriminately regardless of what he does and what reading group he’s in? How very DARE she approach her relationship with him like an actual human woman?
Meanwhile, shit between Bachie and Laurina is majorly hitting the fan. He would like her to open up about her plans for the future with him. He really wants to get to know the Audrey Hepburn side and the Kath Day-Knight side of Audrey Day-Knight.
BUT THEN: DRAMAAAAAAA.
Just as Laurina starts to speak… HE TOUCHES HIS EYE:
HOW. COULD. HE?
Apparently eye-touching is the universal sign for “I don’t give a shit about what you are saying,” and Laurina is not even about to put up with that kind of shit. She immediately shuts the whole conversation down. Why would she bother talking to someone who’s going all around town TOUCHING HIS EYE? Insensitive much?
Oh Laurina. You heavenly goddess, you. This is my new excuse for every possible thing in my life.
“Rosie. Why didn’t you finish that article on time?” #HETOUCHEDHISEYE
“Rosie. Why were you 45 minutes late to our lunch?” #HETOUCHEDHISEYE
“Rosie. Did you seriously just fart in the middle of dinner?” #HETOUCHEDHISEYE
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
The girls are still talking about Laurina and how her time is up because she doesn’t put up with shit. They think she won’t win because she’s not the type of girl who is used to waiting for a man to decide if he wants to date her, or one of his five other women.
Yeah – that kind of means she’s already the winner.
Bachie takes Laurina to another room to discuss the #HETOUCHEDHISEYE incident. Then, in what I’m convinced is a genius and diabolical attempt at revenge, she stops the conversation halfway through to go and get a mint from her purse. A mint. OH HOLY OPRAH I LOVE HER SO MUCH.
“Okay here’s where you talk about how much you love me.”
“SOZ. Got other shit to do.”
*Bachie brain no compute*
Bachie much confuse. One of his women just walked away from him MID-SENTENCE? Doesn’t she know how much effort he puts into learning to read the cue cards? Doesn’t she know that HE IS THE FUCKING BACHELOR?
HA. Too bad, too sad, Bachie. You touch your eye and Laurina will FUCK. YOU. UP.
With minty revenge.
She spends the rest of the conversation looking bored, sucking on her brilliant mint and explaining how he will have to fit into her life in Melbourne if she chooses to be with him.
Bachie brain not compute. “It just seems like things are on your terms, and you like that,” he says, perplexed.
YES. SHE DOESN’T PUT UP WITH YOUR SHIT, DUDE. DEAL WITH IT.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
It is not at all surprising that Laurina is booted.
And what a fucking loss it is.
Glorious Laurina. Audrey Day-Knight. #DirtyStreetPie. Most self-possessed woman on the show. Accidental feminist. Fashionpreneur. Infomercial superstar.
It was the right time for you to go babe. I mean, c’mon…
And always remember, my love:
Missed a recap? Catch up here:
In other news, Osher Gunsberg makes his own podcasts, which are fun, interesting and you can listen to them while picturing his excellent Bachie hair. Check them out here.