By ROSIE WATERLAND
And the Channel Ten editors have officially given up as we, once again, open on the girls casually hanging out in Ridge Forrester’s house just being casual (BINGO!).
There are six girls left, and it’s clearly very important that we know there’s only six girls left, since they keep mentioning how they are the six girls who are left. Six.
Osher enters and drops this nonsensical line: “That’s do what they say. Good morning ladies!”
Oh god. He’s broken. Hosting this show has actually broken his brain. Someone get him to a hair salon STAT. THREE BOXES OF NICE ‘N’ EASY RIGHT NOW. He needs to reprogram! #SaveOsher
SINGLE DATE TIME!
Sam got the single date and – oh glob. WTF is this? Why is there a small confused child dressed as a fairy at The Bachelor house? Who in their RIGHT MIND thought it would be a good idea to give a little girl a starring role on The Bachelor? Was it Osher and his broken brain? Did Sandra Sully let him go to a strategy meeting?
How did this idea even get past the planning stages? I imagine it went something like this:
“Hey so do you know what would be SO appropriate? If we dress a 4-year-old kid up as a fairy and have her meet Sam at the mansion before her date! How cute would it be to involve a little girl in a show about a man dating several women at once?”
“And let’s make sure she does something really important: like giving Sam the sexy dress she’s going to wear on her date with the man who previously made women compete for him in a mechanical bull contest!”
“OMG let’s put her hair in ringlets and give her a wand and teach her everything we can about feminism because totes appropriate! The Bachelor is the best possible environment for a little girl to learn about romance and relationships. We are NAILING THIS!”
After the little girl gives Sam the dress Bachie has demanded she wear, she takes off down the garden path and into a life of taking a copy of “10 Ways To Make Him Love You” with her wherever she goes.
Bachie kicks off the date by taking Closet Bogan Sam to some jewellery store where she gets to “borrow whatever she would like.”
The ‘borrowing’ part does nothing to stop Sam from losing all of her shit. She actually cannot even deal with the fact she is in a jewellery store that isn’t Diva.
She starts crying and convulsing and Bachie is very satisfied with that response. He did, after all, put a lot of work into getting dressed and turning up to this location.
“I don’t think she’d ever been in that scenario before,” Bachie says, patting himself on the back. Which is true: I doubt many girls have been taken to a jewellery store and been told they can pick whatever they like, except LOL JKS you don’t actually get to keep it. PSYCH!
Borrowed jewellery generously acquired, they go to The Tea Room, which you know is fancy because the table has a fishbowl on it filled with Lindor Balls. Lindor Balls + Fishbowl = CLASSY AS SHIT.
Bachie asks Sam to dance and her inner-closet bogan chooses that exact moment to pull mints out of her bra, which is lovely and endearing and she’s just too adorable and she deserves better than to be crying with happiness over a guy who flexes his muscles while reading the paper.