Welcome to ‘Ask Rosie’, the space on Mamamia where you can contact me with all of your love and relationship dilemmas (including but not limited to eyebrow crabs).

I’m 28 whole years of age, so I’m fairly certain I know everything and will be able to give you ridiculously useful advice.

Consider it my selfless Oprah-style gift to humanity. Cliche cliche etc etc sassy advice cliche. You’re welcome.

Let’s get into it:

Dear Rosie,

I have this great friend. We’ve gone out together a fair bit recently and we’re texting all the time and I’m starting to really like him and sort of want something more than friendship.

I’m not sure if I should tell him how I feel or not because I don’t want it to become awkward between us and I have no idea where he stands on the whole thing. I’m worried about being rejected and then our whole friendship being over.

The thing is, I’m going away for 12 months, and I figure I might as well take a chance and tell him, but I’m just worried it’ll screw up our friendship and ruin any future chance of us being more than friends.

Is it worth putting everything on the line and telling him? Or should I just move on…

Anon

I’m really, really glad you’ve come to me with this problem Anon, because I’ve been waiting for the perfect opportunity to share one of my favourite secret moves for a while now.

It’s called ‘The Tell and Bail’, and I’ve been perfecting it for most of my life. I’m pretty sure it will work perfectly in your current situation.

The Tell and Bail is my way of dropping information super-bombs without having to face any awkward and/or embarrassing interactions that may occur as a direct result of the big reveal.

You basically drop an info-bomb, THEN YOU GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE. You tell, and then you bail.

Going away for 12 months means you are in the perfect position to use The Tell and Bail.

You like this guy. You say you’re worried about ‘ruining the friendship’, but if you already like him then the friendship is already over, my friend.

What you’re really concerned about is the major humiliation you could be facing if he doesn’t return your feelings. And who wouldn’t be? Nothing is worse than being that straight-up about a crush and getting rejected, so I completely understand your hesitation at ending up with a face redder than your broken heart.

You need to use The Tell and Bail.

Wait until the last time you see this guy before you go away. Then wait until the last five minutes of your time together. THEN DROP YOUR LOVE BOMB AND RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

Before he even knows what’s happened, you’ll be on a plane to another country. The ultimate Tell and Bail.

Then you just need to leave the ball in his court. If he feels the same way, he’ll definitely tell you. If he doesn’t, you’ve made it easier for everyone involved by not being around. You can both just pretend like the whole thing never happened. Then you need to tag yourself at lots of trendy clubs in Amsterdam with dudes called Massimiliano and River.

So that’s The Tell and Bail – a secret move I have developed over 28 awkward years on this punishing earth. And it doesn’t have to apply exclusively to awkward love declarations. I have developed The Tell and Bail as a move that can be used by cowards in all kinds of situations. If there’s a conversation you don’t want to have, this move can keep you safe.

But remember: The Tell and Bail is powerful, and it’s easy to get seduced by its ability to let you to avoid any and all confrontation.

I knew things had gone too far for me when I used it to tell a friend that I had drunkenly puked under her pillow during the night – just as I was running out the door. I had successfully used The Tell and Bail, but I had also successfully ruined a friendship. And some expensive sheets.

I had clearly forgotten that with great power comes great responsibility. The Tell and Bail needs to be saved for important times of cowardly need only. If you’re using it to get out of cleaning up vom, then you’ve probably gone too far.

Now go forth and drop your love bomb. THEN BAIL.

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Do you want Rosie’s brilliant advice on a love and/or relationship problem? Email her at [email protected] and put ‘Ask Rosie’ in the subject line.

Want to read more of Rosie’s invaluable advice? Check out past ‘Ask Rosie’columns here:

On accepting that HE DOESN’T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR SPECIAL PLACE.

On Peen Slaying and Furbies.

On how to get over 30 women #dirtystreetpie

On going after love and making out with dolls.

On unfriending parents on Facebook

On eyebrow crabs. (Don’t pretend like you don’t want to click on this one the most.)