Welcome to ‘Ask Rosie’, the space on Mamamia where you can contact me with all of your love and relationship dilemmas (including but not limited to eyebrow crabs).
I’m 28 whole years of age, so I’m fairly certain I know everything and will be able to give you ridiculously useful advice.
Consider it my selfless Oprah-style gift to humanity. Cliche cliche etc etc sassy advice cliche. You’re welcome.
Let’s get into it:
I recently got half-back with an ex-boyfriend of mine and it’s amazing. We get together when we both have time on the weekends, but don’t really talk over text or phone when we aren’t together.
The catch is, however, that both of us are moving overseas in the coming months (to different continents) and I have just realised that I have completely fallen for him again. I can see us having a really great future together, but I feel like as a young woman in her early 20s, there is a lot of foreign peen left to slay, and I also don’t want to be in a long distance relationship, nor do I want that for him.
My question for you is, how do you think I should explain my feelings to him? Is there a way to appropriately ask someone to be your partner in advance? Like putting a reservation in at a restaurant?
So, Anon, let me see if I’ve got this straight: You would like to date this seemingly lovely gentleman, but you would also like to, as you so delicately put it, ‘slay’ a whole bunch of foreign peen.
That really is a bit of a pickle, isn’t it?
First of all, I need to admit that I’m the furthest thing from a cool kid, so I have no idea what ‘slaying’ a peen involves. Is it a fancy sex move that all the #youngpeeps are doing these days? Should I be slaying my boyfriend’s penis? Have I done it without realising? (Unless it involves me star-fishing it during missionary, I don’t think I have.) How does one ‘slay’ a peen? Is there some kind of sex weapon involved? Will I have to shave my legs?
I’m going to assume it’s some kind of sex thing. And if it’s anything like what happens when I slay a pizza, it’s probably frightening.
Anyway, let’s get down to business. As much as you might like to, you can’t really lay-by a person while you go off and do other things. You just can’t call ‘dibs’ on a human man. If you could, I’d be coming up on my 20-year anniversary with that boy who played the human Casper at the end of that movie Casper. And it wouldn’t even bother him that I don’t know how to slay his wang.
Imagine if the situation was reversed, and this boy you’ve fallen for came to you and said, “Hey, Anon, I really like you and would like to be with you, but can we put a pin in it for 18 months while I go and decimate some foreign vagina? Thanks, bae.”