Why we need to bring back blood-vial-wearing, brother-pashing Angelina Jolie.

Unpopular opinion: We like her old stuff better than her new stuff.

She’s an Academy Award-winning actress, and a respected director.

She underwent a double masectomy and had her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed because of a family history of breast and ovarian cancer, and wrote a thought-provoking op-ed about it for The New York Times.

She’s a UN ambassador and the mother of six children. Her red-carpet style is elegant and demure.

This Angelina is mature, respected and is wearing a brooch.

Jolie has achieved a lot in her 40 years, including marrying Brad Pitt and raising the couple’s children.

But I really miss the old Angie. You know, the one who collected tattoos and and enjoyed “knife-play” during sex. The one who wore vials of blood and made out with her brother on the red carpet. That one!

Here are some ways in which old Angelina was so freakin’ cool.

Ange and Billy Bob Thornton: this was a legendary coupling, the likes of which we may not see again in this lifetime.

She had a thing for blood.

Angelina infamously wore a vial of second husband Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck, and he wore one of hers. Awwwwww.

When she married her first husband Johnny Lee Miller at 21, she wore black leather hotpants and a t-shirt with her groom’s name written on it in blood.

Marrying Brad Pitt last year, she wore a very conventional white satin-y dress with a VEIL. And her kids’ drawings all over it. Pfft. Hotpants win.

Angelina and first bloodsband, Johnny Lee Miller.

She wanted to ditch acting to become a funeral director. 

If Hollywood mega stardom hadn’t panned out, Angelina could be helping people farewell their loved ones as a funeral director. Perhaps she could’ve also sold blood-vial necklaces as a sideline?

“If this whole acting thing didn’t work out that was going to be my path,” she said in a television interview.

From Angsty to Ambassador: the ages of Angelina Jolie (the post continues after gallery).

“It sounds like this very strange, eccentric, dark thing to do but in fact I lost my grandfather and was very upset with his funeral. How somebody passes and how family deals with this passing and what death is should be addressed in a different way.”

She even obtained a certificate in the profession.

Angelina would’ve made an excellent funeral director.

She didn’t give the tabloid media the time of day.

Jolie’s older brother is an actor called James Haven, who also inherited heavenly cheekbones and kissable lips. Perhaps that’s why Angelina planted one on him after her 2000 Best Supporting Actress Academy Award win. Or perhaps it was just because he’s her brother, and she loves him.

The world saw something incestuous, but it was actually a gesture of closeness between a brother and sister who’d spent the day in hospital with their mother, who was suffering from a cancer that would eventually kill her.


Jolie didn’t dignify the tabloid speculation with a statement. “It was disappointing that something so beautiful and pure could be turned into a circus,” she said later.

The kiss that caused a tabloid frenzy. Also note her awesome Morticia Addams get-up.

She reduced the Rolling Stones’ Mick Jagger to a sobbing mess.

Jagger’s a notorious lech, and he’s slept with some of the world’s most gorgeous women, usually while in relationships with other gorgeous women. So it more than irked him that young stunner Angie wouldn’t have a bar of him.

According The Wild Life and Mad Genius of Jagger, a book by Christopher Anderson, he first met Angelina when she played a stripper in a Stones music video in 1997.

He allegedly said of the drug-taking, self-harming, S&M-enthusiast Ange, “She scares me a little. I like that.” Seems like he was more scared of fatherhood – his second child with Jerry Hall was born around this time.

Watch the video for Anybody Seen My Baby starring Angelina Jolie and a desperate, lovesick Jagger.

Angie wasn’t interested, even as the messages piled up on her answering machine.

“Angelina, it’s Mick. Will you please, please call me?” “Miss Jolie, why aren’t you returning my calls?” “Angelina, I have got to speak to you. Call me,” he pleaded, according to the book, until eventually he was “virtually sobbing.”

She had demons.

Once, Angelina allegedly contact a contract killer to discuss hiring him to end her life. She later admitted that the idea was “very weird.”

A gorgeous weirdo. Fortunately she never actually put a hit out on herself.

She used to date women.

Angelina openly dated actress Jenny Shimizu on and off for years. When asked if she was bisexual, Angelina responded, “Of course. If I fell in love with a woman tomorrow, would I feel that it’s okay to want to kiss and touch her? If I fell in love with her? Absolutely! Yes!”

Angelina with one-time girlfriend Jenny Shimizu.

She collected swords as a 16-year-old.

Angelina boxed and fenced and one day hoped to have a “weapon room”.

She was not, she said, into team sports.

Oh Angelina. What happened to you? I mean sure, she does worthy charity work, and yes, her directing career is gaining steam, and OK, her kids seem great, and fine, her marriage to Brad Pitt appears rock solid, but jeez, would it kill her to just weird-out a little? For us? We miss you, odd-ball Ange.

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