4 years ago, Amanda Goff got drunk at a mums' BBQ. It was a 'lightbulb moment'.

Content warning: This story includes discussion of suicide that may be distressing to some readers.

Amanda Goff was once one of Australia's highest-paid escorts. Under the pseudonym Samantha X, she appeared on TV regularly, wrote two best-selling books and even started her own escort agency.

For eight years, she was at the top of her industry - at one point charging over $1500 an hour for clients.

Although there were plenty of highs during her career in sex work, there were also some lows. And for Amanda, those lows often revolved around alcohol.

For a long time, Amanda's life as a single mum and high-profile escort was "becoming unmanageable", turning to alcohol as an "emotional painkiller".

"I was the champagne party girl. My behaviour was becoming out of control. I used to black out," she told Mamamia's No Filter.

In early 2019, Amanda chose to give up alcohol. And then 18 months ago, she received a life-changing bipolar disorder diagnosis. Now being sober and on stable medication, Amanda said she now feels able to discover her 'true self'. 

Watch: First Date with 'Samantha X'. Story continues below.

"Once I started drinking, there was no filter. There was no predicting what was going to happen. And I couldn't stop."

On multiple occasions, Samantha found herself blacking out at parties before waking up back home with no recollection of how she got there. On other occasions, her children were sent to school in Ubers.

"I felt like I had a role to play as the fun, exciting one. I was embarrassing. I did inappropriate things. Then I'd wake up feeling really dark the next day. I'd hit rock bottom," she said.

For years, friends of Amanda's tried to intervene, telling her that her relationship with alcohol was excessive. But for Amanda, denial was powerful. 

"I didn't really notice it as much as other people."

But it was a school barbecue at a friend's house that was a lightbulb moment for Amanda. 

Listen to Mia Freedman's full interview with Amanda Goff on the No Filter podcast below. Story continues after audio.

"I went to a school barbecue at a friend's house, full of mums and dads in Bondi, and I got so smashed. It was during the day, and I remember going there thinking, 'Don't drink, don't drink, don't drink, don't drink, don't drink, don't drink'. Of course, I drank," Amanda recalled.

"And I just remember one of the mums saying that was a pretty inappropriate thing to say. I don't remember what I said. I still don't remember what I said, and I don't want to know what I said. But anyway, she said, 'You need to ring this mum and apologise'. So I did. I said, 'Oh, you know, such and such, I believe I said something inappropriate. I'm really sorry', thinking she'd say, 'Oh, we were all trashed'.

But Amanda soon realised that her behaviour had crossed the line. 

"She [the woman] said, 'Amanda, your behaviour yesterday was the reason I've been sober for ten years'. That made hairs go off on the back of my neck. I thought, 'Shit'. And she said, 'I can't tell you what to do with your life. But I was like you. I was the party girl until my boyfriend jumped off the gap'. Even then I thought, 'God, yeah, yeah, yeah'. But I went to a recovery group."

Amanda knew from this moment that she needed to get better - for the sake of her loved ones and those around her, but most importantly for herself.

So she decided to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. And it saved her.

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"It saved me and I have a lot of gratitude for that. I haven't had alcohol for four years now, which is amazing."

Now being sober, along with a bipolar disorder diagnosis and subsequent medication, Amanda is stable and in a good place. 

Reflecting on the decision to tell her story, Amanda said she hoped it would help others struggling with alcohol. 

As she noted on her Instagram: "If you own your story, people have nowhere to go. I've always believed if you're honest, you have nothing to fear. However, doesn't mean it’s easy! My life has been a thrilling ride full of creative highs, but it's also been a journey fraught with crashing lows."

It was after becoming sober that Amanda decided it was time to move away from her 'Samantha X' lifestyle. 

 "I love what I did, but once I sobered up, I felt like I'm worthy of a bit more," she said to Stellar in 2019. "I always thought someone was going to come and rescue me. But no one is. No man. No amount of money. It has to come from within."

Today, Amanda is excited for her future - a life without alcohol at the centre. She looks forward to helping others find and develop resilience, and even running a coaching course or two.

"I wanted to do different things with my life. I was getting very, very tired, emotionally, of giving everything to someone else. I've been thinking about what I want to do. I just want to be me. I just can't wait just to let it all go. I'm so excited to just be Amanda."

For more No Filter, go to mamamia.com.au/podcasts/no-filter.

If you find yourself needing to talk to someone after reading this story, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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