tv

"40 thoughts I had watching a nude dating show that had nothing to do with romance."

The other night I was flicking through the TV channels, looking desperately for something to watch that wasn’t cricket, when I stumbled upon something that made me double-take.

Naked people were on my screen.

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Yes, look closer in the background. Image: SBS

Not sensual naked people in a TV or movie love scene. Not the glimpse-of-something-that-looks-like-something naked of a medical programme. And not even the carefully-pixelated nakedness of even the most raucous reality TV.

We're talking completely, totally, unabashedly starkers strangers on my screen with EVERYTHING on full display.

(Yes, really EVERYTHING.)

It was 8:30pm on a Tuesday. I had just finished eating dinner. Needless to say I was NOT prepared for it. (Post continues after gallery.)

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After 30 seconds when my eyes had finally adjusted and I realised I wasn't imagining things, I pressed the 'info' button to work out what on earth I was watching.

The gem (questionable?) I had stumbled upon on SBS Viceland (of course!) turned out to be a Dutch program Adam Zoekt Eva or Adam Looking For Eve, a dating show that requires participants to meet and live with their potential soul mate totally naked (with no censoring) 24/7 on a hidden island.

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Just like any normal first meeting, right?

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Perhaps the most surprising part (yes, even more so than having surprise gentials in your ((figurative)) face) was that five minutes later, I was still watching. It was so cringe-y and strangely compelling that I couldn't look away. It was the Bachelor in Paradise meets Dating Naked on STEROIDS.

By the end I'd had A LOT of thoughts, but they were nothing to do with romance.

Let me take you into my mind to see what I mean...

1. There is no way they are actually rowing those boats all the way to the "deserted island" that still happens to be accessible to high tech filming equipment, crew and caterers.

2. Like, surely? I once attempted to kayak for one minute and thought my arms were about to drop off.

3. Poor production team. Probably had to make the rafts as one of those lame team building exercises.

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Image: SBS

4. Alright, he's stopped. He must be exhausted and need a break.

5. No, no - he's taking off his clothes in the middle of the sea. As you do.

6. I don't remember this part in Robinson Crusoe.

7. And now there's a woman doing the same thing.

8. Surely, surely there'll be some pixelation?

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Image: SBS

9. Nope. NOPE.

10. Nipples! Bum! Penis!

11. The host is the only one with clothes on... Obviously she has some sense/sun safety knowledge.

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Image: SBS

12. I've only just realised they're not even speaking English, but Dutch.

13. Evidently naked bodies are distracting.

14. Note to self: Look up and see if the folks in Holland are big nudists.

15. What if someone walks in on me watching this?

16. Nah, it's fine - it's SBS. They'll just think I'm cultural.

17. Alright, now the potential soulmates are actually meeting after they've ~ just happened ~ to both wash up on the same beach sans clothes.

The Binge listeners try to convince you of the other shows you need to watch. Post continues after audio. 

18. For two people looking for love totally starkers, that was a very awkward kiss-on-the-cheek exchange.

19. They've been talking for five minutes and I've kind of forgotten they're naked...

20. Until, oh no, that's definitely a genital.

21. PLOT TWIST: There's another naked man on the island!

22. Scratch that - more men AND women, naked, on the island!

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23. They are cooking. Naked.

24. Surely that's some big OH&S issue?

25. Speaking of cooking, for the love of god can someone (I'm looking at you, producers) please get these people some sunscreen?

26. Seriously, they're almost purple.

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Image: SBS

27. I've been so worrying about their blisters/sunburn/health risks I've literally not heard a word they've said the past few minutes.

28. Not that I could have understood them anyway.

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29. Now it looks like they're doing a challenge? This is feeling very Survivor. But naked.

30. Think of the sand that would get... everywhere.

31. Ouch.

32. And the bounce of running. Double ouch.

33. Everyone is lining up... will there be roses?

34. No roses. Damn.

35. Now two of them are getting dressed. Really, 40 MINUTES LATER YOU'RE FINALLY IN CLOTHES?

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Image: SBS

36. And magically in a hotel?

37. This is awkward - she's in a dress and heels and he's in shorts and t-shirt. Definitely read this wrong.

38. She brought her clutch on a deserted island... after spending the past however long totally starkers. #Priorities.

39. Eyes spent so long adjusting to the fact they're not naked anymore, I missed the ending. Don't even know if they're together or friends or long lost relatives or still stuck on the island.

40. Until next time.

You can catch Adam Looking For Eve on SBS Viceland Tuesdays 8:30pm - if you dare.

To read more from Brittany Stewart, you can follow her on Facebook here.