Wife and mother-of-three Sara Collins says sex is no longer important in her marriage and has in the past offered to pay for her husband to visit a sex worker, if sex was “that important to him”.
Now that’s a loaded statement if I’ve ever heard one.
Sara, 46 says she and husband Graham, 47 no longer have sex and sleep in separate bedrooms. She say sex petered out after they had children – Ella, 15, Jude, 11 and Jake, seven – and they don’t have any interest in having sex, even though she still fancies him.
They used to have a healthy sex life however things then became complicated. “I had a number of miscarriages so when I did get pregnant Graham didn’t want to touch me for safety reasons,” she told UK television show This Morning. “Then when I was breastfeeding he found it inappropriate for us to have sex.”
Sara and Graham began sleeping in separate bedrooms a decade ago, with Sara saying it was to ensure they each got a restful night’s sleep.
“‘I snore and he snores and I get fidgety in the night as I have ME so it seemed logical to have separate rooms.” ME/CFS stands for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which is inflammation of the brain and spinal cord.
Sara says sex is not “at the forefront” of her mind but she still fancies her husband. She says they are in agreement that they can have a happy marriage without sex.
Here’s what concerns me about this, and I say this as someone who spent over a year in a sexless marriage after the birth of my first child. We also slept in separate rooms.
When Sara said she’d offered to pay for Graham to visit a “prostitute” she added, if sex “was that important to him”. To me that was a loaded statement and I’d suggest Graham tread very carefully if he considers taking her up on her suggestion.
To say, if sex “was that important to him” it sounds as though she is really saying, “if sex is more important to him than our marriage”.
If I said this to my husband, that’s exactly how he’d take it. He’d see it as a dare, a taunt, a test, not a generous offer to have his sexual needs fulfilled outside of our marriage.
Then there are the consequences of looking outside of your marriage for physical intimacy. Turning away from your partner for sex could be just the beginning of looking outside of your marriage to have your needs fulfilled, with sex just being a dangerous first step.