sex

‘I tried the vibrator that's meant to be one of the best in the world. I’ll never be the same.’

I don’t buy into hype.

When friends were piously demonstrating the features of their new Apple watches, I was smugly fastening on my trusty $40 Casio.

I’ve never participated in a CrossFit class, refuse to eat anywhere that caters to Keto, and make a general rule of not buying anything that requires lining up for more than an hour.

But when I heard about a vibrator claiming to be the ‘vibrator to end all vibrators’, I’ll admit it – I was intrigued.

The ‘Queen’ vibrator has been racking up accolades since it was released onto the mainstream market a couple of years ago. Last year it won the prestigious XBiz Europa Luxury Product Of The Year award, and more recently took out the award for Best Pleasure Product For Women at the AVN ‘O’ Awards (you’ve gotta give the adult industry snaps for making an event celebrating wanking sound so classy). It’s also garnering a name for itself as the Rolls Royce of vibrators on the sex toy review circuit.

And I figured, if this toy was even half as good as I’d been hearing, my vagina deserved to know about it.

 

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Supposedly akin to ‘three vibrators in one’ the Queen is admittedly one of the best-looking sex toys I’ve seen. Embellished with gold plating and actual Swarovski crystal, it looks more like something I’d keep in my jewellery box than it does something I’d put up my vag, and at $250 to own, I’m not entirely sure I can bring myself to slather it in lube and thrust it where the sun don’t shine. But I’ve come this far now…

According to the product’s description, this is no regular vibrator. The device employs ‘PulseWave’ technology to gently hit and stimulate the G-spot, and convert even the greatest of G-spot sceptics into a believer. And when you’re done doing that, it has a sleeve accessory that fits over the head of the vibrator, turning it into a clitoral suction toy. I’m quietly impressed, though keeping my expectations realistically low at this point.

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I’m absentmindedly unboxing it on the couch to an episode of Real Housewives Of New Jersey when I accidentally turn it on, and am immediately distracted from a heated catfight. The tip of the toy pulses against my fingers like a heartbeat. I’m already imagining it throbbing against my G-spot.

And now I’m horny and need to find a good RedTube clip on my phone.

But the journalist in me wants to peruse the instruction manual first. So I flip through the booklet encased in the ornate gold-embossed product box and learn I’m doing it all wrong. Before you get the vibrator pulsating, the instruction manual recommends I turn on the ‘pre-heating feature’. Okay, now my curiosity is positively piqued.

Unsure of what exactly to expect, I press the ‘warming’ button, and, sure enough, the toy starts to heat up in my hand. After about 30 seconds, it feels as though it’s at perfect body temperature, like the sensation of a warm hug. I can’t wait to get it inside me.

 

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When in Vegas, let your inner hoe shine. ⭐️

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Here goes…

I slather on some lube, flick on some light porn and introduce my very lavish new toy to my vagina.

They are immediately best friends. If there was ever a shred of doubt in my mind as to whether or not the G-spot existed, it is well and truly gone. There is a god, and I’m quite sure it’s this vibrator.

The sleazy pool boy in the video on my phone has barely unrobed when I orgasm, long and hard, as the throbbing tip of the Queen caresses my G. My life momentarily flashes before my eyes: Why didn’t I tell Matthew Jones I had a secret crush on him in high-school? What was in that cake I ate at Sarah and Tom’s wedding that tasted so good? When did the sky outside my bedroom window get so vibrant? WHY DOES MY VAGINA FEEL LIKE IT’S FLOATING ON A CLOUD???

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I spend the rest of the day in an unusually upbeat mood. People who know me aren’t used to it, and ask what’s wrong with me. I tell them I made a new friend, then giggle and leave the conversation suspiciously. I’m not really concentrating on what I’m doing – I can’t stop thinking about *that* orgasm I had earlier, and I’m eager to get back home and see what else my new vibrator can do.

 

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That night I try the sleeve attachment. It fits neatly over the over the vibrator after I’ve applied a few drops of lube to help it glide on, creating a targeted suction head. The instructions tell me to position the head over my clit, then lie back and enjoy the sensations.

I turn the vibe on and do just that, and WHOA. Like, W-H-O-A. Suddenly my clit feels the way it did when I last had amazing head. I can feel it engorging under the light tickling sensation of the tip of the attachment, sucking it in the same way I imagine Channing Tatum’s lips will when he eventually discovers we’re actually soulmates.

I haven’t even had time to find a porn video I like on my phone when I come. HOLY CRAP this thing is blowing my mind. Did that really just happen?? I have what feels like the most intense orgasm of my life. My clit has been given the royal treatment and this vibrator has in every way earned its title as the Queen.

That said, as a general rule, I still don’t buy into hype. But as it turns out, my vagina does.

For more of Nadia’s sex toy reviews, follow her on Instagram.

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