Unless you’re Christian and Ana from Fifty Shades of Grey, sex is profoundly awkward and embarrassing. Actually… wait. Asking your partner whether vagina balls are meant to go in your butt is pretty embarrassing.
EUGH sex is always weird and no one should suggest otherwise.
Objectively one of the worst experiences, however, is when someone walks in on you having sex. It’s traumatic. You’re so… vulnerable. You get flashbacks, like, as it’s happening. You see the judgment in their eyes.
So to make you feel less alone about that moment that continues to haunt you, even years after it happened, we asked five women about the most embarrassing time someone walked in on them having sex. And Jesus, people need to start locking doors.
“I really did want a Diet Coke.”
My mum HATED my ex boyfriend, and to be fair he was a total jerk. However, our breakup was long and drawn out over a year, including loads of ex-sex. One day he had come over when my mum was out. I was living at home and attending uni at the time. She’d come home unexpectedly and I managed to literally hide him under the bed in time. She asked if I wanted anything from the shop while he was hiding beneath me, looking very casual laying about in underwear for some reason, and I asked her for a Diet Coke.
She left, and we resumed getting fully naked for shenanigans, only for her to return five minutes later mid-thrust. Turns out she meant the corner shop that was all of 50 metres away. She opened the door, surveyed the scene, flew into a rage and flung the Diet Coke at the wall. It exploded on impact. Then she literally pulled my naked boyfriend off me and out the door, demanding he leave and she tried to force him down the stairs – again, naked. “He needs his pants!” I begged. “Diet Coke! Diet Coke! You liar!” she was screaming. “I did want a Diet Coke,” I protested.
Eventually I was able to keep her from physically attacking my boyfriend long enough for him to get his pants and leave. But the Diet Coke was not salvageable.
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“This isn’t a hotel!”
I was living at home with my boyfriend when I was 20 and we were meant to be cleaning our room. Of course, we weren’t. So when my mum walked in to check in on us, I was on all fours giving my boyfriend a blowjob.
My mum ran out of the room screaming “this isn’t a hotel!” To make it more awkward, my dad sat me down later than night to make sure I knew I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do. It turned into a huge D&M, and I was mortified.
“He wouldn’t… leave.”
I was staying at a hostel in New York and went on a pub crawl where I met a new friend. We tried to go back to his room but there were five other guys in there. We migrated to the stairwell, but obviously that wasn’t overly comfortable. So we went through the entire hostel looking for somewhere until we happened upon the boardroom.
But before things could actually get going, this old hippy bloke (stoned off his face) walked in and just stood there and stared while I tried to pull the blanket out from under me to cover my completely naked body. After a few seconds we were like, ‘can we help you?’ He responded, ‘I was just looking for yoghurt,’ continued to stand there staring. He wouldn’t leave until the guy I was hooking up with literally grabbed him and led him to the kitchen.
Everything is worse with eye contact.
I was having doggy style sex with my boyfriend in my room when my dad walked in.
That’s not even the bad part.
I MADE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM.
"Wait - why were we in the car?"
It was summer and I was 16 and a 17-year-old boy I'd had a crush on was also holidaying in the same beach town. Within days we were boyfriend and girlfriend - because that's how it worked back then. I'd been to his holiday house and met his parents a few times, but I didn't know them all that well when his mum walked in on us having sex.
Well, I say walked in, but she really just opened a car door.
For a reason I no longer remember, we'd slept in the boot of his car parked at the holiday house the night before. In the morning we had sex - keep in mind this is maybe like my forth time ever. While we were going at it, his mum knocked on and opened the car boot - to see her son's naked bum staring back at her. She yelped and shut the door and hurried away.
I don't know if he and his mum ever spoke about it, but for the rest our time in the beach town, I avoided her like the embarrassed teenager I was.
"It remains, to this day, the most humiliating moment of my entire life."
My boyfriend and I had been dating all of two seconds when his dad walked in on us.
It remains, to this day, the most humiliating moment of my entire life. When his dad walked in, I was not only stark naked, but we were in the middle of switching positions so my vagina was in DIRECTLY POINTED TOWARDS THE DOOR AND MY LEGS WERE OPEN. The moment he walked in and turned on the light, we all became so incredibly uncomfortable that he decided to stay for about 20 seconds and make awkward conversation about the cricket while Tim* and I moved back under the covers.
When he walked back out and turned the light off, I literally shrank into the foetal position and swore that I would never be able to look my boyfriend's father in the eye ever again. I couldn't move for the next half an hour and cried about the injustice of it all. I think I avoided my partner's parents for the next month.
Luckily, two years on, we've all moved past it - but it will always be the most traumatic bedroom experience I've ever endured.
I'll reiterate - LOCK YOUR DAMN DOORS PEOPLE.