real life

To my abusive ex's new lover: "Please be careful".

“I want you to have all the information I never had access to before this person destroyed me.”  

One woman is on a mission to make sure her abusive ex-boyfriend doesn’t make his new girlfriend his next victim.

In a Google document being shared on social media, the woman writes a lengthy letter to the new woman in the Brooklyn-based man’s life.

She says she was inspired to spread the word after discovering her ex had been having unprotected sex with her and at least five other women. “I wanted to do everything I could to make sure all parties involved had the information they need,” she says.

She included images of her injuries, allegedly sustained in brutal attacks by her boyfriend.

“I hope you’ll take this as just a gentle warning to be careful and fully aware about what is going on during the course of your interaction with him; something I never had the opportunity to be.

“Please watch out for any warning signs of abuse; our relationship started a lot like yours, probably: developing super quickly, telling me he loves me right away, trying to get me to be exclusive with him as soon as possible, all this crazy passion, and all really, really quick.”

Related: Lisa Oldfield: “I’ve been a victim of domestic violence and I’m angry”

The woman said the duo began dating in April and, in May, she discovered she was pregnant. She had an abortion – an experience she found “extremely scarring”. By late June, her partner was acting strange and dropping hints that he had been checking up on her. She discovered he had been logging into her email account up to 10 times a day.

“I thought that was it, that I was done with the disrespect, done with all of it. I tried to cut it off then, but got reeled back in, as one is wont to do when getting involved with sociopaths. ProTip: put secondary verification on all your accounts NOW.”

The woman – who is not identified in the document – said though she had seen him throw things and had been pinned down by him once before, the real violence started in July “when he would routinely throw my things around my room, breaking my possessions, destroying my apartment … it was pretty bad, but I chalked it up to a simple anger management issue instead of what it really was: a flashing bright indicator of the abuse that would follow”.

“He started to get physical with me shortly thereafter, first just leaving a few small bruises here or there, pulling my fingers back just to the edge of spraining them, grabbing into and twisting flesh to leave intense red marks, shoving, throwing small blows, etc. Then one night, things escalated.”

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The woman says, in the middle of a crowded bar, he held and twisted her fingers, so that she felt like they were on the brink of breaking. “After keeping me stuck to him like this, he made all kinds of threats, and then to add insult to literal injury, he slowly, cruelly poured his drink down the front of my dress while holding me pressed against him, taking care that no one would notice,” she says.

Later, on the street, he ripped her dress off her shoulder, repeatedly punched her, scratched her chest and left bruises all over her body, she says.

“For weeks I had to make excuses about what had happened to me. On one occasion he brought a bruise cream over and applied it to my body, trying to ‘erase’ the evidence of what he had done to me.

Of course at this point, everyone asks you why you stay. I wish I had a better answer than ‘I loved him,’ but that’s all I’ve got.

It wasn’t enough to stop any of this. I was very, very much in love with him at the time, desperate to have faith that this monster wasn’t a true reflection of his character…”

She said she thought they had hit rock bottom. That things could not get worse. Until she was allegedly raped.

She says she asked him to stop, but he pinned her to the bed and punched her in the face. He allegedly said to his hyperventilating girlfriend: “If you won’t fuck me, I’ll go to someone who will”.

Related: Three days in a refuge: Inside a safe haven from domestic violence.

“At that point I stopped resisting, laid still, and let him use my body while I stared half-catatonic at the ceiling, because, well, I was in no shape to be left alone at that point, potentially dangerous to myself if left, and both of us knew it,” she says.

“Add to all that eight months of near daily verbal and emotional abuse on top of the physical assaults, repeated instances of ‘sexual coercion’, destruction of property, and regularly being spit on in arguments (including in public), and that about sums it up. If you can believe it, I always found the verbal and emotional abuse worse somehow (it lasts longer than the cuts and bruises).”

After nine months together, they broke up. But they still saw each other almost every day, still slept together, still said “I love you”. Until she discovered he was having unprotected sex with strangers he met online.

She says to his new partner: “All that said, on the surface you guys DO make a cute couple, so I wish you the best, but please, PLEASE protect yourself as needed and take necessary precautions”.

“I couldn’t sit idly by knowing now that it’s not just me he disregards, and whose health he recklessly endangers, but everyone.

“Please be careful & take care of yourself. I’m here as a resource if you need me.”

If this post brings up any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800-RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. It doesn’t matter where you live, they will take your call and, if need be, refer you to a service closer to home.

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