“Dear Newspaper Headline Writers, you’re really, really beginning to shit me.”

Last night I stumbled upon this diabolically ludicrous headline about Kylie Minogue.

Kylie Minogue flaunts taut bod on romantic Italian getaway with fiance Joshua Sasse.

I read that and my head fell off. Because FLAUNTING HER TAUT BODY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Kylie Minogue is on a private holiday and she’s wearing one of the most modest swimsuits in the history of humankind. On top of that the photo has clearly been taken by paparazzi wielding a LONG LENS CAMERA. And you’re telling us Kylie is FLAUNTING HERSELF?

There’s no flaunting going on here. No flaunt. NONE. (And don’t get me started on the disparaging ‘toy boy’ comment or the ‘putting on a show’ dig in an attempt to portray Minogue as the older woman desperate to keep Sasse’s attention …)

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But that headline and the blatant misuse of the word flaunt makes me think perhaps none of you know what flaunt actually means.

If we go to the Cambridge Dictionary online it says:

Flaunt: verb; to show or make obvious something you are proud of in order to get admiration: To ‘flaunt yourself’: to show your body in a confident and sexual manner

Ahhh, but then that headline has nothing to do with what Minogue is wearing. You and I both know that. Because – newspaper headline writers – I have seen you throw that word FLAUNT around regardless of what a woman is wearing.

When the Duchess of Cambridge left the house for the first time after having Princess Charlotte you told us she was ‘flaunting her post-baby bod’. Was she though? Was she? Or was the Duchess in fact LEAVING THE HOUSE WITH CLOTHES ON?

I’ll give you 10 seconds of thinking music. Time’s up! The answer is SHE WAS LEAVING THE HOUSE WITH CLOTHES ON! How about when any celebrity who is over a size 10 goes anywhere wearing, well, pretty much anything. You love to tell us that the woman is “FLAUNTING HER CURVES!”

Is she flaunting her curves? Or is she once again just, you know, EXISTING AS A HUMAN BEING?

That’s right! The answer is YOU ARE A MORON AND THE PERSON IS EXISTING AS A HUMAN BEING.

By your reckoning just a woman breathing and being out in public is her flaunting herself.

So that means last night when I went into the garden at 10pm looking for my four-year-old’s missing lunchbox lid wearing a dressing gown and pink ugg boots, I was flaunting myself.

Right now I’m brazenly flaunting myself by heading to Woolies wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Your mother warned you about girls like me. Amirite?

Newspaper Headline Writers, I think it’s time to delete the word flaunt from your vocab since you’re unsure how to use it.

Good chat.

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