'For years, it was my job to help people achieve their goals. Here's why I stopped.'

I feel like a complete fraud. I encourage people to set goals to transform their lives. But in my life, they are a constant source of shame and guilt. Well, they would be. If I had any. However, the perfectionist in me has learned not to set them, because not achieving them perfectly, causes too much frustration and upset.

What do goals mean to you? A minefield of disappointment, remorse, and failure? Or the key to a truly rewarding life? If you are anything like me - you are ready for a better and easier way to live the life you want.

This is the time of year people are thinking about their goals and resolutions. Although, no one is surprised in February when all’s forgotten. As a coach, it’s my job to help people map out and achieve the goals they think they need. However, this year I have stopped - for the primary reason that most people don’t need goals. They need to uncover what is truly important to them.

While you're here, there are 10 scientifically proven ways for you to have a happier life. Find them out below. Story continues after video.

There is a lot of research to prove goals are a fundamental element of a fulfilling life. It isn’t a surprise as humans we are happiest when we are moving forward and bettering our lives. There are vast amounts of research to inform us about the best goals to have, how to set them perfectly, and the most effective ways to make them achievable. If you are ready to do the work - the knowledge is out there. So, with all this information readily at hand, how successful have you been achieving life-changing goals?

Many of us are familiar with the complexity and heartache of trying to achieve goals we are longing for. However, what many of us don’t realise is we have chosen the wrong goals. Here’s an example.

• Your goal is to get a pay raise.
  • Great, why? 
• Because you want more money for your family.
  • Brilliant, why?
• Because this will allow you to spend more quality time on holiday with them.
  • Fabulous, why?
• Because family is the most important thing to you.
  • Amazing, why?
• Because you want to be a loving and inspirational family member.

This example shows the many layers that may sit underneath your goals. In this case, you don’t want more cash. You desire to be loving and inspirational in your relationships. These are very different objectives. 

Think for a moment about why you try to achieve anything. You will probably realise it’s because of the way it makes you feel. And this is important because in my experience, when you are feeling the way you want to feel - you are being the best version of yourself. Therefore, it is imperative you uncover these fundamental elements in your life so you can understand what is important to you.

I first came across the concept of Desires in Danielle LaPorta’s book The Desire Map (2019) and it flipped the way I think about transformation. Once you understand how you desire to feel you can embody it at work, in your relationships, and in every aspect of your daily life. Just like you choose your clothes every morning, you can choose who you want to be. You can consciously seek aligned steps and opportunities to dramatically transform your life. Rather than focusing on external and future goals.

So, if you are ready to skip the goal-setting this year and focus on being your best self every day - here are the steps you can take.

1. Discover your desires.

The first step is to uncover three adjectives to perfectly describe the way you want to feel. Or, if it seems easier for you, find three words you wish people used to describe you. This could be for one area of your life or your life as a whole. Start brainstorming a list of words and then use a thesaurus to expand it.

Once you have a big list pull out the words that resonate the most and start grouping them together in themes. These themes will paint a picture of your fundamental Desires. You can start whittling down the best words from there. You’ll know when you have found the correct three words to describe your desires because they will excite you. 

To give you an example, I desire to feel Authentic, Expansive, and Inspirational.

2. Move through your days intentionally.

The best thing about living aligned with your desires is you can do it every day. You just need to remember to do it. So, place them where you can see them every day and be reminded. Then, it’s just a matter of being who you want to be. 

In a meeting at work? Be the person you want to be. Having a conversation with a friend? Be your best self. Having a prickly parenting moment. Remember what is important to you. Had an uncomfortable encounter? Realise you weren’t aligned with the person you want to be. Your desires gives you a solid reference point to continually embody.

For example, I try in every interaction to be an open and authentic version of myself.

3. Take aligned steps.

Understanding your desires gives you clear guidelines for the future. This is criteria to judge future opportunities to make sure they fit into the life you want to lead. It also supports you to understand what you need to seek in your life. What can you add to your life to be more aligned with your desires? What steps can you take to be the person want to be?

As an example, I concentrate on daily learning and personal growth in an effort to be expansive.

Listen to 8 Minutes To Improve Your (Work) Life where host Deborah shares her experiences with perfectionism and the steps you can take to reduce stress and adopt a growth mentality. Story continues after podcast.

You may have noticed the last step sounds a lot like goals, and they are (you got me). As I said, the research demonstrates goals are an important part of your life. But these goals embody who you fundamentally want to be and the life you want to live. They support you to be the best version of yourself living a life you love. For me personally, this doesn’t feel like I’m on an overwhelming goal-setting journey. It just feels like every day I’m taking exciting steps towards being a better version of myself.

Has this been inspirational?

Annie Mudin is a personal growth writer, speaker, and coach. Grab Annie’s FREE eJournal with a comprehensive Desires Exercise to start being your best self today. Annie is passionate about supporting and encouraging people with her articles, courses, and events to rethink the way they approach their day-to-day so their lives can align with what they truly need and desire.

Feature Image: Supplied.