For a number of years I’ve since tried to wipe from my memory, I worked at weddings.
I’m not very good at maths, but if I worked at a wedding almost every Saturday night for approximately five years, I believe that equates to roughly one million weddings.
As a result, I’m in the unique position to let you in on a little secret.
It’s about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s wedding. The one watched by two billion people. With the dress. And the five metre veil. And the gap-toothed children.
That wedding, my friends, was a lie.
Let me count the ways.
1. Everyone was on time.
If there's one thing human beings can always be trusted with, it's a) rudeness, and b) chaos.
Once you choose a group of people to attend your wedding, the probability is that a percentage of those people will have a fundamental misunderstanding of how time works and will either arrive at the event at the last minute, or sneak in a few minutes late.
But this wasn't a problem on Saturday. Oprah was like two hours early.
2. The people who RSVP'd actually attended.
What about the rogue cousin who pulls out at the last minute because their family gives them severe anxiety? Or the shitty friend who had to 'work' (you've... you've literally had a year to organise the day off).
Everyone came on Saturday. Because of course they did.
3. The weather was perfect.
I think we can all agree the British artificially engineered a perfect day and I'm not complaining.
4. Family members weren't cranky with each other.
Meghan Markle and her mum were just super... happy on the way to the ceremony. No bickering. No stress. No 'WHY DID YOU INVITE AUNT SUSAN SHE'S FKN CRAZY AND SHE'S GOING TO RUIN MY WEDDING'.
Because Aunt Susan wasn't invited.
4. This... face.
No one looks like this.
Everyone wants to look like this.
But they don't.
Because it is a lie.
5. Seven-year-old boys were entrusted with one of the world's most expensive veils.
Boys between the ages of three and 12 have sticky hands always.
They are also devils who ruin everything.
Having children in your bridal party is like having your dog as your ring bearer. They're going to get lost and maybe go to the toilet in the corner.
I trust precisely none of you.
6. The vows were articulated... perfectly.
I went to a wedding where the groom said 'I do' to his "awfully wedded wife".
You cannot tell me neither Prince Harry or Meghan Markle didn't so much as stumble over a word when they knew that literally the whole world was watching.
7. The priest got everyone's names right.
This has officially never happened.
8. There was a passionate sermon.
The Bishop who spoke seemed like he a) wanted to be there, b) was genuinely invested in this marriage, and c) was actually excited.
Where was the tenuous link to love? A rogue gospel story about a fish or a tax collector? Slight confusion halfway through about who's getting married and/or why?
9. No babies started crying during the vows.
This is specifically why three-week-old bubba Prince Louis was NOT invited.
10. There was no random man filming the whole thing on an iPad.
How will anyone know the wedding even happened if an older male relative doesn't have blurry footage of it on his iPad? And wasn't standing in front of the actual wedding videographer to get the best angle?
11. No one was on their phones.
Just the thought of being locked in an old building for over an hour without my phone gives me severe anxiety.
Weddings occur to be Instagrammed and/or Facebooked. That's a fact.
11. The children were perfectly behaved.
From the very beginning.
Although... where... were... they? During the ceremony? It seems likely they were placed in a holding cell. But even upon exiting the church they were generally... gorgeous.
Shouldn't you be hungry?
Just a little bit... disruptive?
Nope. They were delightful. So much so that a photographer thought it newsworthy to capture three-year-old Charlotte yawning because it was the naughtiest thing she did.
11. There were more than 100,000 people wanting to say hello.
I'm sure many people would like to think there are lots of people who are dying to see them on their wedding day.
But let's be honest. Hundreds of thousands of people didn't wait all day (potentially all week) to get a glimpse of your dress.
12. Millions was spent on security.
Do weddings typically need security at all?
Maybe for the reception. But even then it's just to stop Uncle Joe from hitting Uncle Darren with a chair.
12. There wasn't a rude older relative to say something offensive.
The Queen was on her best behaviour and something tells us she was keeping Phillip in line.
13. No one was super greedy with the canapes.
When food starts to come out at a wedding, humans quickly turn into vultures. But Amal Clooney strikes me as the sort of person who would pace herself.
14. There wasn't any small talk with people you've never met before.
In the line for the bathroom, or outside the church, or waiting at the bar, I don't think anyone got stuck in a never-ending conversation with a person who a) probably wasn't invited or b) was the bride's weird cousin.
It would've been James Corden or Carrie Mulligan or Victoria Beckham, which is nice.
15. People's speeches were appropriate.
Apparently Prince Charles, Prince William AND Prince Harry made people cry.
Where were the stories that made a significant proportion of the guests feel uncomfortable? Or the drunken ramble that ended in yelling?
In conclusion, Saturday's wedding was a complete and utter lie, except for one thing.
Every family, without fail, has a Fergie.
And thank God for that.