For a number of years I’ve since tried to wipe from my memory, I worked at weddings.

I’m not very good at maths, but if I worked at a wedding almost every Saturday night for approximately five years, I believe that equates to roughly one million weddings.

As a result, I’m in the unique position to let you in on a little secret.

It’s about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s wedding. The one watched by two billion people. With the dress. And the five metre veil. And the gap-toothed children.

That wedding, my friends, was alie.

WHAT.

Let me count the ways.

1. Everyone was on time.

If there's one thing human beings can always be trusted with, it's a) rudeness, and b) chaos.

Once you choose a group of people to attend your wedding, the probability is that a percentage of those people will have a fundamental misunderstanding of how time works and will either arrive at the event at the last minute, or sneak in a few minutes late.

Oh.

But this wasn't a problem on Saturday.Oprah was like two hours early.

Might make some small talk.

2. The people who RSVP'd actually attended.

What about the rogue cousin who pulls out at the last minute because their family gives them severe anxiety? Or the shitty friend who had to 'work' (you've... you've literally had a year to organise the day off).

Everyone came on Saturday. Because of course they did.

"Attending this wedding is potentially the greatest thing that will ever happen to me."

3. The weather was perfect.

I think we can all agree the British artificially engineered a perfect day and I'm not complaining.

I control the sun.

4. Family members weren't cranky with each other.

Meghan Markle and her mum were just super... happy on the way to the ceremony. No bickering. No stress. No 'WHY DID YOU INVITE AUNT SUSAN SHE'S FKN CRAZY AND SHE'S GOING TO RUIN MY WEDDING'.

Because Aunt Susan wasn't invited.

You appear to like each other. This confuses me.

4. This... face.

No one looks like this.

No..

Everyone wants to look like this.

Nope.

But they don't.

Nah.

Because it is a lie.

You can stop now.

5. Seven-year-old boys were entrusted with one of the world's most expensive veils.

Boys between the ages of three and 12 have sticky handsalways.

They are also devils who ruin everything.

Having children in your bridal party is like having your dog as your ring bearer. They're going to get lost and maybe go to the toilet in the corner.

I trust precisely none of you.

This is actually a horror movie.

6. The vows were articulated... perfectly.

I went to a wedding where the groom said 'I do' to his "awfully wedded wife".

You cannot tell me neither Prince Harry or Meghan Markle didn't so much asstumbleover a word when they knew that literally the whole world was watching.

How.

7. The priest got everyone's names right.

This has officially never happened.

"Do you Meegan Markole take you Hairy Prince to be your hubsand?"

8. There was a passionate sermon.

The Bishop who spoke seemed like he a) wanted to be there, b) was genuinely invested in this marriage, and c) was actually excited.

Where was the tenuous link to love? A rogue gospel story about a fish or a tax collector? Slight confusion halfway through about who's getting married and/or why?

"My enthusiasm surprised even me."

9. No babies started crying during the vows.

This is specifically why three-week-old bubba Prince Louis was NOT invited.

Quickly.

10. There was no random man filming the whole thing on an iPad.

How will anyone know the wedding even happened if an older male relative doesn't have blurry footage of it on his iPad? And wasn't standing in front of theactualwedding videographer to get the best angle?

Damn it.

11. No one was on their phones.

Just the thought of being locked in an old building for over an hour without my phone gives me severe anxiety.

Weddingsoccurto be Instagrammed and/or Facebooked. That's a fact.

Where does one look when one does not have a phone?

Oh. I see.

11. The children were perfectly behaved.

From the very beginning.

Aww.

Although... where... were... they? During the ceremony? It seems likely they were placed in a holding cell. But even upon exiting the church they were generally... gorgeous.

Shouldn't you be hungry?

Heh?

Tired?