Lately, mornings have really been pushing it.
They’re like that obnoxious friend who calls you right when you’re in the middle of something. Or a kid behind you on an aeroplane who kicks the back of your seat for one thousand hours.
They’re rude. They’re unwelcome. And frankly, they’re becoming repetitive.
I feel like yelling, “NO ONE EVEN LIKES YOU, TAKE YOUR DEMANDS ELSEWHERE,” but there’s something I’ve realised.
There is something worse than mornings.
And that’s people that like mornings.
And I just can’t understand… why.
LISTEN: Robin Bailey sleeps about four hours a night. Here’s her emotional reflection on sleep being a choice, on The Well. Post continues below.
When I wake up in the morning, I feel like I’m going to vomit and then faint and then die.
There is never a time when my alarm clock goes off where I’m ready for it. It’s always a shock. It’s always interrupting. My alarm must have gone off tens of thousands of times over the course of my life, and I’m still not at all okay with it.
Mornings are the furthest away you will ever be from being back in bed, and that is a scientific fact. They are an unwelcome reminder that today you have responsibilities.
There are always things to do and expectations to fulfill and only 15 seconds ago I was dreaming that my dog had eleven puppies and I was just laying on the ground being licked by them all.
Another scientific fact is that time goes faster in the mornings. Everyone knows that. You wake up at 7:30am, get in the shower, and next thing you know it’s 8:15am. HOW? WHY am I always running late no matter what time I get up?
If someone is running late to work, don’t blame them. Blame mornings.
Mornings are cold and consist of very annoying sounds such as chirping birds, lawn mowers, garbage trucks, showers turning on, alarm clocks (which are obviously a torture device) and kettles boiling.
Furthermore, the human body is not designed for mornings. No offence, but we all look like shit.
Sometimes there's a weird pattern on your left cheek, and maybe you drooled a bit overnight. We're slow. We feel a bit dizzy when we stand up because we've been laying down for too long. We need a shower and a glass of water and it's all too much too soon.
As soon as you roll out of bed, it's meant to be GO, GO, GO. There is just suddenly a list of demands that have descended out of thin air. I don't want to have breakfast. I don't want to wash my hair. I just want to go the fuck back to sleep, but I can't... because of the guilt.
When mornings are so objectively traumatic, I just cannot understand people who enjoy them.
And not only do they like them, they are righteous about it. As though getting up early makes them a better and more productive human being.
Morning people absolutely have a complex and I'm done with it.
They say things like, "Good morning!" which is obviously an oxymoron.
My boyfriend is a morning person, and it's probably his worst quality.
At 8am on weekends, he starts making the bed with me in it. He draws the fucking curtains. He has a bounce in his goddamn step.
"You get stuff done when you get up early!" he tells me. But whenever I ask him what he's been doing, it's never that bloody profound. He hasn't discovered a cure for cancer, he's just gone for a walk or something.
I just don't see what more could be accomplished than sleeping.
Morning people also have a list that I swear they keep in their pockets of shitty sayings that justify their sadistic habits.
"Early bird gets the worm!" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Who said I wanted the worm? I hate the worm. I've never wanted it.
"Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise." There's precisely zero evidence for that.
My nana used to say that every hour of sleep you got before midnight was equivalent to two hours. That's just... simply not true.
I'm sick of morning people trying to make me feel bad about myself for choosing to sleep until midday on weekends and goddamn loving every minute of it.
You are never going to sell me the idea of mornings. Ever.
So if you could please pipe down, I'm busy trying to sleep over here.
You can listen to the latest episode of The Well, here.