Okay – you’re pretty. Very pretty. And I have spent a lot of money on you. I’ve tried to make you happy.
But it’s over. I’m sorry. I know this has come out of the blue for you.
The moment I saw you I knew I had to have you. I tried to walk away and distract myself with one of those fancy, inside-out California rolls with orange caviar on the outside, but it didn’t work. I popped a double-mint Extra and made my way back to you.
The days I got to bring you home were some of the happiest days of my life.
But sadly, there aren’t enough Band-Aids in the world to fix our relationship and trust me, I’ve tried them all.
No, Band-Aids aren’t the right metaphor in this particular case. If only – then maybe we would still have a shot.
Let’s run through my grievances. You’ll probably spot a theme:
- Torn skin under my ankles.
- Torn skin on my pinkie toe.
- Blisters, everywhere. Yes, you can get a blister on the top of your big toe.
- Pain, incredible pain.
- A sore lower back.
- An unnatural gait.
- The time I fell over in the middle of an intersection and it was all your fault.
- The time I slipped over at a shopping centre and once again, it was all your fault.
And you can’t accuse me of not trying. I tried. For 20 years I’ve tried. I’ve tried the aforementioned Band-Aids, I’ve tried gel heels, I’ve tried buying a size bigger, then I’ve tried buying a size smaller. I’ve tried practicing at home, I’ve tried moisturising my feet, then I stopped moisturising my feet so the skin could toughen.