"The odd pattern I discovered after being in 10 failed relationships."

by Mamamia Team July 30, 2015

Image via iStock.

“There has to be a pattern.”

This is what I thought to myself as I took a look back at 10 failed relationships spanning from high school through post-college.

I recently entered a drug and alcohol recovery program and was putting in the work to heal myself and expose behaviors that seemed to repeat themselves throughout the years.

Back then, I was what you would call a serial monogamist. I went from relationship to relationship with very little time in between.

I invested a lot of time and energy into each relationship, shared hobbies, gave thoughtful gifts, and rarely engaged in any conflict or disagreement.

But the relationships never worked out.

(Image via iStock)

All but one or two of those 10 relationships involved me being the last one standing. Men cheated on me, became distant, or just moved on. I became very bitter because I couldn't understand why someone would leave me when I was everything they wanted me to be.

And then I had a revelation.

By being "everything they wanted me to be," I wasn't being myself.

I was convincing myself that I liked the same things that each boyfriend liked. I was giving gifts I thought they wanted, when some of them didn't even like gifts at all. I was avoiding conflict like the plague, which meant my own opinions were put on the back burner.

I didn't come to this realization on my own. It took my recovery from alcohol and heroin addiction to draw attention to the fact that what I was actually trying to do in all of these relationships was recreate the love I so desperately desired as a child. I was willing to sacrifice my own being in search of that. (Post continues after gallery.)

Celebrities talking about their break ups.

Jennifer Aniston.It was possibly one of the most talked about Hollywood break ups - Jen and Brad. In an interview with Vanity Fair Jen shared her experience, "There are many stages of grief. It's sad, something coming to an end. It cracks you open, in a waycracks you open to feeling. When you try to avoid the pain, it creates greater pain. I'm a human being, having a human experience in front of the world. I wish it weren't in front of the world. I try really hard to rise above it." Image via WikiCommons.

Rita Ora.

Rita discussed her break up with Calvin Harris in Marie Claire, "It was more of a thing where I was in awe. I was at that point in my relationship where I felt he could do no wrong. I thought he had my back and that he'd never steer me wrong. But then 'I Will Never Let You Down' came out, and everything started to go a bit weird. I don't know if it was because business was mixed with personal or what." Image via Instagram (@ritaora).

Demi Moore.

Demi Moore discussed her breakup with Ashton Kutcher with Harpers Bazar - "I used to think that what scared me was the idea of being abandoned until someone said to me, 'Only children can be abandoned. Adults can't be abandoned because we have a choice. Children don't have a choice.' So I started to rethink. 'OK, it's not that. What's the underlying thread that really scares me?' I think what scares me is not having the courage to reach my full potential." Image via Twitter (@justdemi).

Kim Kardashian.

On her website, KimKardashian.com Kim shared her breakup with Kris Humphries, "I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn't get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn't know how to and didn't want to disappoint a lot of people." Image via Instagram.

J-Lo.

"It felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest." - Jennifer Lopez on Ben Affleck, in her memoir True Love. Image via Instagram.

Reese Witherspoon"[Divorce is] very humiliating and very isolating... But, by the way, if it's not painful, maybe it wasn't the right decision to marry to begin with." - Elle Magazine. Image via WikiCommons.

Cameron Diaz.

"When I was going through a bit of a heartbreak a little while ago, I said to a friend, 'Wow, this really hurts!' And he said to me, 'That just shows you what your capacity for loving is.' I would rather have my heart broken a thousand times than never to love at all. I have so much love to give I'm not empty of love, I'm full of love." - Cameron discussing her break up with Alex Rodriguez in InStyle. Image via Instagram.

Katy Perry.

During an interview on The Project Katy discussed her break up with Russell Brand - "Sometimes you can be blinded by your extreme emotions. I definitely was looking for answers during that time I wrote that song ["The Grace of God"]. And yeah, I was depressed, and it was sad, and there were thoughts, but there were never actions, thankfully." Image via Instagram.

Taylor Swift.

"There's just been this earth-shattering, not recent, but absolute crash-and-burn heartbreak, and that will turn out to be what the next album is about. The only way that I can feel better about myself pull myself out of that awful pain of losing someone is writing songs about it to get some sort of clarity." - Taylor Swift, Vogue. Image via Instagram.

Emma Stone."I was crawling on the floor. I remember throwing up. I remember being on the floor... I have never felt anything quite like that. It was so visceral. It's like someone has killed you and you have to live through it and watch it happen. It was awful." - Emma Stone on her first heartbreak, Interview. Image via WikiCommons.

My pattern was that I was never truly myself in any of my relationships.

My behavior was manipulative. I wasn't able to see this at first, but by being what I thought someone else wanted me to be, I wasn't allowing that person to know the real me. The realisation I had through all of this was that I had no idea who I was as a person.

What were my likes and dislikes? What were my values? My opinions?

Relationships are about two people complementing each other and working together to create a successful partnership. Conflict is normal, healthy, and can even be the catalyst for improving your relationship.

It took me years to learn what I did and did not like in a partner — and I'm still fine-tuning that process as I go along. My pattern of people-pleasing has been a hard one to break but I'm learning to use my voice in my marriage and it's an empowering feeling.

(Image via iStock)

Through therapy and recovery programs, I've learned that I need to be responsible for my happiness.

It's unfair and damaging to put that responsibility on another human being.

To break my relationship pattern, I need to define what my wants and needs are and be open to sharing them with my partner. It requires being vulnerable and asking for what I need, even though I may not get it.

It requires strength. (Post continues after video.)

I met my husband in 2010 but we didn't start dating until 2011. We were friends before it turned into anything more and that allowed me to get a little more comfortable with myself. My recovery had helped me get a better handle on my previous patterns, but there were still times when I would default to agreeing with his opinions because I was afraid to rock the boat.

I would agree to things my gut told me otherwise, but it was such an improvement from previous relationships that I didn't think much of it. Over time, I realized some of my old patterns were coming up again — but this time I quickly nipped them in the bud as soon as I recognized them.

I slowly started to speak up when I disagreed or when my feelings were hurt. I started honoring my feelings instead of convincing myself that they were wrong. We got married on our two year anniversary and it has been an enlightening experience of what it really takes to maintain a healthy relationship with another human being.