Here's the thing, before people have kids there are many occasions where they'll observe people who have children and think "When I have kids I will never ______" Then you go and get yourself some of those cherubic, little angels and if you're like me, you have about 8 million "Oohhh, Now I Get It Moments" – they're like Oprah's "Aha" moments but without the free car.
Here are just a few of the little judgement gems that I passed with Gweneth Paltrow smugness... until I had children. I was an idiot but clearly the Gods were listening.
"My kids will never sleep with me."
I love my sleep and therefore, any child of mine would be kissed on the head at 7:00 pm, would be put in their crib and would stay there until the morning. Except what I didn't realise is that it's really hard for me to sleep through bloodcurdling screaming and that I'd have a kid who thinks Dr. Ferber can go suck it. In a desperate measure, I tossed him into bed with us one night and we've all had a good night's sleep ever since. I don't tell many people about it because it's the grand daddy of all my "I'll Nevers" unless, of course, you bring it up then I'm all over it like the hypocritical hippy I am.
"My kids will eat what they are fed."
Don't like dinner? Well, I guess you're not eating. Then I walk away and think about how I'm already worried about his calcium intake and if he's eating enough protien. If he goes to bed hungry then he'll no doubt perish in his sleep all because I wouldn't let him have cereal at dinner. Joan Crawford, Dina Lohan, me. Here's your cereal.
"I'll never ignore my kids like that."
Why do you even have children if you don't want to be around them?! How hard is it to accommodate your child if the sweet little petal is asking you to read Goodnight Moon? Pretty hard if it's the 4,753rd time you've read it that day and if you ever have a stroke it will, no doubt, be the only information you'll retain. Sometimes I just want half-a-stinking-second to think. I love my children but for the love of God, let me pee alone – I can't remember where I've heard that brilliance before.
"Why don't you just take your kids to the park, it's so easy?"
You know, you just sit there while they have fun. Oh, wait you want to go on the swing? No more swing now? Now the slide? Mommy can't fit up there but hold on tight....whoa...no, come down now!! That's too high!! Okay, yes, let's play in the sand. No, that's not your truck that's the little boy's truck. Give it back, please. No hitting!! Hey, do you want a cookie? The cookies are at home. Okay, let's go home and get a cookie. Bye park! Kiss my ass until I've had another Goodnight Moon stroke and forgotten how horrible you are.
"Why would you take your kids swimming, it's so hard?"
I mean, it takes about 3 hours to get ready for 10 minutes of fun. Except I didn't think of what else I would do to occupy a small child for 3 hours if I wasn't getting ready for swimming. Plus, no doubt some mom somewhere, sometime probably told me that children that don't learn how to swim by 6 months have an 80% chance of drowning in an inch of water and grow up to be illiterate serial killers – she must have read it in an article somewhere.
"Kids shouldn't eat crap."