Here's the thing, before people have kids there are many occasions where they'll observe people who have children and think "When I have kids I will never ______" Then you go and get yourself some of those cherubic, little angels and if you're like me, you have about 8 million "Oohhh, Now I Get It Moments" – they're like Oprah's "Aha" moments but without the free car.
Here are just a few of the little judgement gems that I passed with Gweneth Paltrow smugness... until I had children. I was an idiot but clearly the Gods were listening.
"My kids will never sleep with me."
I love my sleep and therefore, any child of mine would be kissed on the head at 7:00 pm, would be put in their crib and would stay there until the morning. Except what I didn't realise is that it's really hard for me to sleep through bloodcurdling screaming and that I'd have a kid who thinks Dr. Ferber can go suck it. In a desperate measure, I tossed him into bed with us one night and we've all had a good night's sleep ever since. I don't tell many people about it because it's the grand daddy of all my "I'll Nevers" unless, of course, you bring it up then I'm all over it like the hypocritical hippy I am.
"My kids will eat what they are fed."
Don't like dinner? Well, I guess you're not eating. Then I walk away and think about how I'm already worried about his calcium intake and if he's eating enough protien. If he goes to bed hungry then he'll no doubt perish in his sleep all because I wouldn't let him have cereal at dinner. Joan Crawford, Dina Lohan, me. Here's your cereal.
"I'll never ignore my kids like that."
Why do you even have children if you don't want to be around them?! How hard is it to accommodate your child if the sweet little petal is asking you to read Goodnight Moon? Pretty hard if it's the 4,753rd time you've read it that day and if you ever have a stroke it will, no doubt, be the only information you'll retain. Sometimes I just want half-a-stinking-second to think. I love my children but for the love of God, let me pee alone – I can't remember where I've heard that brilliance before.