Hello, dearest reader people.
I needn’t tell you that our collective favourite night of the year is fast approaching.
You know the one – where genetically flawless, size-six, tan women strut down a catwalk in angel wings and knickers.
Aren’t you all wetting your sparkly, trillion dollar fantasy g-bangers in excitement?! I know I am! I mean, who says being made to feel like a human jacket potato isn’t a great way to spend your time? Not me! SIGN ME AND MY PASTA-CONSUMING TUMMY UP FOR ALL THE SOUL-CRUSHING GUILT, PLEASE!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ho ho ho ho ho, such fun. Such self-confidence boosting, pro-body-diversity fun.
Gushy positives aside, let’s focus on what we really wanna see on this year’s Victoria’s Secret catwalk, which is set to grace our screens on December 5.
- Just one woman who maybe, maaaaaaaaaaybe, doesn’t have a thigh gap
- A rogue pube or two or three (or 13)
- Oh, and on the topic of body hair – armpit stubble!
- Period-appropriate undies… because let’s be real – we all need period undies. I can actually guarantee Vic Secret’s period-friendly undies styles would bring in the most $$$$ if they existed. (Hire me, Vic Secret. You need me)
- Men. And yes, they still have to wear wings. You know, for the lolz etc etc etc
- More than one token non-Caucasian woman. You can’t just stick a woman of colour on the end and preach diversity, you guys. Let’s try to avoid this looking like a Wonder White commercial, shall we?
- Sock tan/Havaiana tan, because we have ALL been there
- ^^^ See also: small shaving razor cuts around the knees/ankle
- ^^^ Oh and ingrown hairs around the bikini line
- Did I mention cellulite? Mark that down twice.
Got that, Victoria’s Secret production staff? I’m literally begging you this year. I AM BEGGING YOU.
What would you add to the list? Let us know in the comments…