Before the Victoria's Secret catwalk airs, there are a few requests we'd like to make...

Hello, dearest reader people.

I needn’t tell you that our collective favourite night of the year is fast approaching.

You know the one – where genetically flawless, size-six, tan women strut down a catwalk in angel wings and knickers.

Aren’t you all wetting your sparkly, trillion dollar fantasy g-bangers in excitement?! I know I am! I mean, who says being made to feel like a human jacket potato isn’t a great way to spend your time? Not me! SIGN ME AND MY PASTA-CONSUMING TUMMY UP FOR ALL THE SOUL-CRUSHING GUILT, PLEASE!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ho ho ho ho ho, such fun. Such self-confidence boosting, pro-body-diversity fun.

Gushy positives aside, let’s focus on what we really wanna see on this year’s Victoria’s Secret catwalk, which is set to grace our screens on December 5.

  1. Just one woman who maybe, maaaaaaaaaaybe, doesn’t have a thigh gap
  2. Cellulite
  3. A rogue pube or two or three (or 13)
  4. Oh, and on the topic of body hair – armpit stubble!
  5. Period-appropriate undies… because let’s be real – we all need period undies. I can actually guarantee Vic Secret’s period-friendly undies styles would bring in the most $$$$ if they existed. (Hire me, Vic Secret. You need me)
  6. Men. And yes, they still have to wear wings. You know, for the lolz etc etc etc
  7. More than one token non-Caucasian woman. You can’t just stick a woman of colour on the end and preach diversity, you guys. Let’s try to avoid this looking like a Wonder White commercial, shall we?
  8. Sock tan/Havaiana tan, because we have ALL been there
  9. ^^^ See also: small shaving razor cuts around the knees/ankle
  10. ^^^ Oh and ingrown hairs around the bikini line
  11. Did I mention cellulite? Mark that down twice.

Got that, Victoria’s Secret production staff? I’m literally begging you this year. I AM BEGGING YOU.

What would you add to the list? Let us know in the comments…