Having worked in the personally satisfying field of hospitality for the past five years, I’m quietly confident in announcing that I have perfected the coffee-order eye roll.
You know the one: where the tired-looking girl behind the counter ‘slyly’ tilts her head toward the barista after you give her your order, and nearly gets her iris caught in her $4 mascara?
So, why does your order warrant an eye roll? Most likely, to you it doesn’t. But here’s what the people who woke up at 5am to prepare your cup of goodness really think about you:
Or businessman in an expensive suit. Most likely doesn’t want a lid and will give the cup back to staff with a haughty smirk before kindly getting the hell out.
Extra Hot Flat White
Definitely over the age of 40, or going through an early midlife crisis. Desperate emphasis on the temperature of the beverage as it’s probably the hottest thing in your life right now.
One of the rare few who just want to get a hit and get out, no bum-fluff involved. Either that or you’ve never had a coffee before and it’s the only one you know because they said it on Friends that one time.
Latte With One Sugar
Is that sugar well stirred? It better be. And God help us all if the stirring of the sugar somehow messed up the latte art. Did I mention well stirred?
A 15-year-old girl who can’t quite stomach coffee just yet, but wants to look sophisticated in front of her friends with a coffee in period one at school.
Long Black With Six Sugars
A man once ordered this coffee from me, before going out the front of the café to check on the pet fish he’d left floating in the front pot-plant. Needless to say I put no sugars in the coffee and he could not tell the difference.
That one person doesn’t want to be left out with no cup in front of them when Book Club goes out for their monthly get-together.
Is a normal-sized cup too much for you? Are you a fireman who only had time for a sip before you had to go fight a blaze?
Full of mystery this one.
Yes, I know what a Magic is.
Oh, but wait, you’re going to try to explain it to me anyway, like you invented it and are Einstein’s intellectual equivalent.
I feel so incredibly sorry for the seven per cent of Australian’s who are legitimately lactose intolerant. Your drink has been forever ruined by 25-35 year-olds who also order a side of cheesecake.
LISTEN: Self-confessed 'basic bitch', Monique Bowley shares exactly what it means to be basic (post continues after audio...)
Extra-Hot Weak Decaf Flat White in a Mug
What is the kindest way to tell someone they are hated by the entire world? Probably, most of all by their coffee (if you could even call it that) date.
And as I have frequented maybe more than my fair share of hip cafes and hole-in-the-wall coffee joints, I have also seen what the eye-roll looks like from the other side of the counter.
Maybe instead I should just order a freshly squeezed carrot juice…?
What's your favourite coffee order?