When it comes to sex, I am a guinea pig. A confused, disoriented guinea pig.
I’m 19. And my generation, purely by immersion, is the first in history to be porn-educated.
No Where Did I Come From. No awkward parental talks. No going into your first sexual experience with the poise and grace of a blindfolded child playing pin the tail on the donkey.
Rather, I went into my first ever sexual experience convinced I had a thorough understanding; I’d already watched hundreds (thousands) of people having sex on a site called Redtube. Penis into vagina. Thrusty-thrust. Fin.
Listen: if you’re a big consumer of porn – and no judgment if you are – pornstar Madison Missina has some advice on how to do so ethically. Post continues after audio.
I couldn’t really have been more wrong.
Growing up watching porn means that my generation, and all those that follow, enter sexual maturity and have sex for the very first time with pre-conceived ideas about what’s right and wrong; about the sounds someone makes when they orgasm; about what goes where and what… doesn’t.
The big issue then, is that our main source of sexual education is a short-clip of dodgy-looking nude people doing the no-pants dance for pure entertainment; it’s contrived; a performance. Sometimes, an exploitative one. It repackages sex in a way that glosses over the rarely spoken about, somewhat clumsy aspects of the average experience
In no porn film ever have the man and woman (or man and man, or man and man and woman, or man and woman and woman) been forced to take a vibe-crushing 26-second break from foreplay to a: locate; b: open; and c: put on a condom.
In no porn film ever has a man smacked a woman’s bum only to be told to do so again “but this time much softer.”
And in no porn film ever have the couple stopped having sex on account of the woman getting her period. Or someone farting. Or a dog jumping up on the bed to find out what on earth is going on.
It’s not like we are totally naive about porn sex. On some level most of us understand that porn isn’t ‘real’. But when you see so much of it – simplified, stylised pornified sex – that distinction is effectively overridden. See enough skinny models and you start to believe that’s how ‘real’ women should look. Watch enough porn and your expectations of sex and women will become warped.
I went into my first sexual experience far less excited than most young men. Rather than confidence and masculinity, I was brimming with apprehension.
I'd watched a lot of porn.
Thanks to my mum's constant Life-Lesson Lectures, I knew porn wasn't 'realistic'. She used every car trip we had to drill home the fact that "porn degrades women". That it objectifies them.
To all young men - and young women - about to have sex for the first time: here are the 5 things I wish someone had told me:
1. The entrance to the vagina is further around than you think it is... Way further.
How do I put this...
Keep going around.
For women and young girls, this might seem stupid. Trivial, even. 'Um, we know where the, you know, 'entrance', is.'
That's great. But for young men, accustomed to seeing a vagina only on a screen, the actual biology is significantly different to how it looks.
You see, vaginas in porn films all look the same. Like a pink computer mouse. We never really get to have a proper look 'inside'.
The bit you want to put something in is not actually at the front. This can come as a surprise.
It's... it's underneath. The vaginal entrance is far closer to the butthole (medical term) than it is the front of the vagina (which is technically, I'm told, called the vulva. That's the proper name for the whole situation. But I'm going to use the term vagina because we all know what that refers to, yeah?)
2. Anal is NOT just 'what you do next'.
According to every porn film ever made, sex goes like this:
Kissing - girl gives guy blowjob - couple has vaginal sex (doggy style, obviously) - couple transitions to anal sex. It's like a progression.
Some women enjoy anal sex, but the majority do not.
And even those who do like it don't necessarily want to do it every time they have sex. Porn shows anal to be wildly orgasmic for both parties. But in reality, it's often just painful. It's usually uncomfortable for the woman and most certainly not a casual step in any sort of sexual experience.
It's also something we need to speak with our partners about before springing it on them. EVERY TIME.
3. Putting your penis in a girl does not - I repeat, DOES NOT - make her orgasm.
When I first slept with someone, I felt shame. Not because it was non-consensual, or because what we'd done was frowned upon by God... but rather because I thought the job I did wasn't really good enough.
More specifically, the sex we had never resulted in my girlfriend erupting into gyrating fits of pleasure.
It was, for the most part, because I wasn't very good. But also because... that isn't really how it works.
In hetero porn, the woman tends to moan and thrust and shake uncontrollably as soon as sex begins. She lets out several breathy 'oh my gods' before eventually succumbing to a earth-shattering orgasm.
Friends? This is unlikely to happen.
Mutually satisfying sex is so much more than a straightforward 'point and shoot'. It's about adapting positions. It's about changing rhythm. It's about to-ing and fro-ing and responding to the subtle, involuntary cues your partner might give off.
The penis is not a magical staff from which you can conjure female orgasms at will.
4. It's going to be over and done with pretty quickly at first...
Porn sets you up with the expectation that you, as a young man, will climax after twenty minutes of vigorous thrusting. It sets the expectation that you will do so after your female partner does. And it sets the expectation that women love it when you 'finish' on their breasts.
While none of these expectations tend to ring very true, the first one rings especially false.
Real talk. The first time you have sex, it's going to take you about twenty seconds.
Same with the second time. And the third.
In fact, although there's obviously a bit of variation, through no fault of your own you're probably going to finish up within a minute or so for quite some time.
And I wish someone had been there to tell me there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. For guys, sexual stamina is something that builds up. Male porn stars are human beings who engage in sex several times each day. Being able to 'last longer' is something they've built a career on. It's something they've trained for. It's something they take Viagra for. As a young man going into his first sexual experience, the way you react to sex is going to be very different to the way they do.
5. Post-sex maintenance is a thing.
After sex in porn (ie: after the male orgasm), it finishes. Both parties lay breathless and looking at each other suggestively, and the screen fades to black. Maybe the plumber picks up his tools and leaves.
If only it were that simple.
In reality, immediately following sex you (and more importantly, your female partner) will need the following items : rubbish bin; towel/tissue/toilet paper; trip to the bathroom.
Firstly, you have to pull yourself out of your partner. Which is kind of like getting out of bed on a chilly Winter morning.
Next? If you came in a condom, it has to be removed. And wrapped. And thrown in a rubbish bin. Which can't be accessed by your dog. This means trying to slide it off your penis without losing what's inside. This is easier said than done.
Nothing in the world kills sexual tension faster than removing a sperm-filled condom from a limp penis.
If you came inside your partner? Despite what porn may have you think, it doesn't just... stay there. It comes back out. If you've planned ahead, your partner may be able to let it flow out onto a towel or a handful of tissues. Otherwise, it's the awkward crab scuttle to the bathroom, catching your dripping semen in her hands as she goes.
Asking teenagers in 2017 not to watch porn is foolish. Porn is free. And easily accessible. And while some parts aren't as realistic or equality-driven as we might want, it certainly goes into biological details that a parental sex talk never could. Kids are curious. They're going to watch.
When you grow up and become sexually active it becomes clear pretty quickly that porn bears little resemblance to reality. It doesn't show the nitty gritty. Instead, it sets up false and damaging expectations.
Talking honestly about porn is the way we can help raise sexually healthy, feminist men who respect women in and out of bed.
The more frequently we're putting that information out there, the clearer it is to porn-watching, impressionable teenage boys that sex isn't all rainbows and orgasms.
You can follow Luca on Facebook, here.