real life

The seven things everyone does on Instagram, but are too embarrassed to admit.

Excuse me. But I have a theory.

It’s about Instagram, the only corner of the Internet my mum is yet to – how do I put this? Ruin. She hasn’t found the app yet and I swear to God if anyone downloads it and makes her a profile, I will never forgive them.

Anywho, my theory is that Instagram brings out the very worst in people. Deep down, I believe we are all a little bit creepy, but

All of us on Instagram.

It also highlights our desperation to be liked, figuratively and literally. We're all thirsty AF and deep down none of us are even marginally cool.

There are a number of things I think we're doing on Instagram that we're too embarrassed to admit to. If you do not do any of these things well, um, neither do I , I was just joking.

ADVERTISEMENT

... Lol.

  1. Stalking yourself to see how you appear to outsiders.

This involves taking a deep breath, going onto your profile and attempting to view yourself objectively - as though you had no idea who you actually were.

That is the most horrifying sentence I've ever typed and I hate myself.

You scroll through your own pics and just gauge a... feel. For... yourself.

Mia Freedman, Monique Bowley and I confess to our most embarrassing Instagram offences on the latest episode of Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below.

Do you appear... cool? Interesting? Do you actually look good in that photo? How's that ratio going? How about your aesthetic?

This practice usually ends in deleting three to five pictures and the devastating realisation that this is what your life has become.

    2. Having someone (multiple people) you don't follow, but just 'check in with' a few times a week.

I call them my 'regulars' (kill me).

What's Anna up to? How about Kayla goddamn Itsines? She's not getting my follow because, well, ratio, but that doesn't mean I don't want to know what she had for dinner last night.

These are the people you explicitly stalk, and are usually E-grade celebrities or Insta famous. They're interesting because they believe they're interesting.

WHAT DOING LAUREN CURTIS?

Really feeling this hair ????????????✨

A post shared by Lauren Curtis (@lozcurtis) on

     3. Two words: Peak. Hour.

A few years ago I was travelling, and when we got back to our hostel a friend went to post a picture on Instagram. But suddenly he paused...

ADVERTISEMENT

"What time is it in Sydney?" he asked.

When we discovered it was the middle of the night, he decided to hold off and post his picture during peak Insta hours. 

They are (obviously) between about five and ten pm, specifically on weeknights.

Of course, travelling throws a new spanner in the works, given that the amount of pictures you have to post are greatly increased, yet you don't want to spam anyone's Instagram feed with 11 photos of you in New York.

Therefore, you must wait and hold photos for a few days until there is renewed interest in you and your holiday.

    4. Attempting to stalk your ex's new girlfriend and discovering they're set to private. And then audibly groaning.

Okay, no. 

I am owed this.

All I need is 15 minutes. I need to know what they do/what their family is like/what they look like/if they have a dog/if it's cute/compare myself until I've lost any remnants self confidence.

There is no worse feeling than doing all your investigative work, just to find out that they're set to private.

     5. Deleting a photo because it didn't get the traction you expected.

Yeeeah.

Deleting your photo is a sign of defeat because less than 11 people gave a shit.

It's also great seeing other people's photos 'disappear' from their profiles after two hours.

I'm just really sorry that this picture still exists on the Internet. It most definitely should have been deleted. 

Mr. Bunny

A post shared by Jessie Stephens (@jessiestephens90) on

     6. Stalking an acquaintance (someone you just met, new partner's mum, boss) and accidentally liking a photo from 102 weeks ago.

Just set yourself on fire and jump out the window.

There's no coming back from that.

    7. Discovering that people can see if you've watched their stories and going into shock.

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS?

I feel like there should have been a Public Service Announcement about this being a... thing.

I stalked approximately 400 people I barely know (but well enough for them to think 'lol, that chick is such a creep for watching my story') before someone informed me that those people can see.

COOL.

There are literally endless embarrassing things we're all doing on Instagram everyday, including spending four days formulating the perfect caption, and trialling 11 filters before settling on no filter.

Instagram makes us all desperate creeps, and I for one am very willing to admit it.

You can listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud, here. 

FROM OUR NETWORK
00:00 / ???