There are few things in life that I am less able to imagine than giving birth to a real life human baby out of a small crevasse in my body.
No matter how much I think about it, it just really doesn’t seem like a very good idea.
The only thing I find more terrifying than the prospect of giving birth, is the prospect of giving birth to a really, ridiculously, frighteningly ginormous baby.
My research tells me that approximately 11% of mothers will give birth to a macrosomic baby, meaning that they weigh in at over four kilos, or eight pounds thirteen ounces. 1.5% of these women, will birth a baby that weighs over 10 pounds.
So what does it actually feel like to birth a baby that weighs as much as a microwave/sack of potatoes/medium sized bowling ball?
According to an online pregnancy forum, it feels a lot like you’re “shitting out a Smeg fridge.” Another mother adds, “I felt that my butt was going to explode.” In a very bizarre way…I can actually sort of imagine that sensation.
Broadly spoke to 38-year-old Andrea Schrimp who birthed an 11 pound 10 ounce baby girl in 2014. Schrimp said that “she was less painful than my other births” before adding that “In the final push, I broke my tailbone.”
Schrimp also pulled all her muscles from the waist down, and suffered a minor tear to her perineum. After the whole ordeal, the midwife congratulated Schrimp on giving birth to a girl who was the average size of a three month old.
Schrimp pulled all her muscles from the waist down. Image via Universal Pictures.
Broadly also spoke to Annabel*, who birthed a baby initally on track to be nine pounds, eight ounces. The birth was delayed because of shoulder dystocia, where the baby's shoulder becomes struck behind the mother's pubic bone.
I'm traumatised. I am officially traumatised.