What is it actually like to give birth?

You guys, what is giving birth like?

I have a recurring nightmare.

Every few months, it jolts me awake, and I find myself lathered in a nervous sweat.

That nightmare is about giving birth.

The prospect of squeezing a human out of my vagina hole, which for many years wouldn’t even take kindly to a tampon, or having a baby surgically removed from my uterus, is enough to make me panic.

Like really panic.

I. Wanted. Answers. I wanted to know HOW much it hurts. I wanted to know if part of you, just a tiny little bit, resents your child for the pain they put you through.  I wanted to know if that thing happened with the tearing of the bit between your you-know-what and your you-know-what.

I interviewed three experts in the office, within earshot of a colleague who is about to have her first baby (…sorry).

So, what does it feel like?

Like having your fingers chopped off, one by one.

Somehow, I don’t think I’ve had the last of those nightmares.