“You’ve fisted somebody?!?”

I’m looking into the wide eyes of my friend and coworker, suddenly remembering exactly how vanilla he is, and wondering if my casual mention of my proclivities was too much for him. I might have broken him. I had forgotten that, despite being fairly pervasive in the queer communities, intense penetration such as fisting can seem overwhelmingly extreme to some.

“Uh… Yes?” I answer tentatively, and he silently hugs me around the waist and walks away.

That was probably the beginning of becoming The Fisting Guy in my group of straight friends; they come to me with their fisting jokes, anything they can find with a fist on it, and their questions.

They come to me with all of their sex questions, to be fair, but the fisting questions are different. Unlike butt stuff, or choking, or blowjobs, their questions are never “How do I…” or “Am I normal for wanting… ” Instead, all they ever want to know is “Why?”

Why aren’t you worried?

Bodies are amazing things, trust me. The tissue and muscle around both the ass and the vagina is designed to stretch – you wouldn’t assume someone who can do a split will never be able to put their legs back together would you? The same goes for our orifices. Yes, fisting can involve some Olympic-level stretching, but with lots of warm up and lots of lube it’s perfectly safe (and super fun!).

“So I was one that operated under the thought process that my vulva would be ruined if I were to get fisted. […] At one point I had two LARGE hands inside me, which was an amazing experience. I think part of what I love about fisting as a bottom is the stretching and the fact that my vulva goes right back to how it was. It’s a beautiful, magical thing,” says Parker Smash, a submissive and professional switch.

Why would you want to fist someone?

As a person without a penis, there are very few opportunities for me to feel a part of my body fully engulfed in another human being the way I can with fisting. Whether my hand is in a vagina or in an ass, the body is both unbearably tight and forgiving at the same time, both soft and strong. You need to be completely in tune with what your bottom is feeling, you have all of your attention on them, and you’re communicating every step of the way, while at the same time you can feel every twitch and pulse of their muscles around you. It’s like you’re completely connected with everything their body is feeling.

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“Working someone to the point where they can take your whole fist or even your entire forearm is exhilarating, and the way their body feels around your arm is unlike any other feeling I’ve experienced; there’s an intensity about it that isn’t there during other kinds of play. Due to my smaller hands, I love being the first person to fulfill someone’s fantasy of taking a fist; helping to teach them just how much their body can take,” says porn star and sex educator Taylor J. Mace.

Since I’m a switch, I know how overwhelmingly intense it can be to receive a fist, and I love being able to give that experience to someone else. I love watching them be overcome and pushed to the brink with pleasure that is just a little bit more than they can handle, seeing their eyes go wide as my hand slips inside them for the first time and their hole closes tight around my wrist.

“As a fisting top: I love the process of working up to an entire fist. The feeling of the vagina closing around my wrist is magic and we are both transported to another space in time,” says sex educator Lizxnn Disaster.

Why would you want to receive a fist?

I found my G-spot before I found my clit; my sexuality has always had penetration as a focal point. Penetration and power exchange. I’ll admit many of the intense things I do I do for the show, for the rush of power I feel when I show exactly how much I can take. I do it for the look of awe and fascination on someone’s face when they realise what I can do.

When I throw a massive spanking party for my birthday every year, where I receive more than 350 hits, I do it for the gasps and winces I hear from my friends watching. I do it for the way people fawn over my ass and the bruises that adorn it. I do it for the feelings of achievement, of knowing that my body did something amazing. Fisting is different. Yes, it’s about the challenge and the feeling of accomplishment and of pushing my limits, but it’s more than that as well.

“Best thing about being a bottom: you get to explore the far edges of pleasure and be amazed by what your body can do. You are stimulating all of your internal nerve endings and the length of your clitoral body, or crura. I'm a girth queen so fisting suits me well!” says sex educator Kenna Cook.

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of a fist inside you, Your hole feels stretched and full, but at the same time the opening is able to relax around someone’s wrist. The pressure on the G-spot is intense and focused. Sometimes there’s that dull ache behind the waves of pleasure, knowing you’re teetering right on the edge of your boundaries, knowing that you are powerful. I imagine it feels similar to crossing the finish line after your first marathon except, you know, with more orgasms.

Sex educator Katja von Huene explains it well:

“I love being vaginally fisted because it makes me feel deeply connected to the wonder, capacity and capabilities of my body. I feel that the mysteries of life and death are buried deep in my vagina, and being fisted helps me feel so connected to those concepts. It’s so grounding but also spectacularly transcendent. It’s a celebration of my magical vagina."

This article originally appeared on Kinkly.