Editor’s note: This post references male genitalia. A lot.
Right now there’s a serious scientific phenomenon sweeping the world that’s leaving millions of female victims lying in its wake.
It’s… it’s… dick sand.
Like its cousin, quicksand, dick sand is a bottomless pit of sandy dicks (I presume) which sucks you in and the more you try to fight it, the erm… harder it gets?
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you might be one of those unfortunate people who didn’t sit through 40-plus episodes of the UK reality dating show, Love Island, or see Rebel Wilson’s dick sand explanation in the movie How To Be Single.
Basically, dick sand happens when a woman meets a fella and she becomes obsessed with him. So obsessed with him, it’s bordering on crazy. He might be someone she’s dating, a crush, an ex or even a long-time lover – but she’s just all about that sandy dick.
Suddenly, nothing else matters but the sand and the bearer of the peen. She neglects other relationships, misses appointments and basically acts like a 14-year-old at a Bieber concert/Glenn Close’s character in Fatal Attraction.
Every woman in the world has either been a victim of dick sand herself or lost a friend to the sandy pit of pee pees at some point in her life.
The amount of time a woman can be stuck in the sand pit depends on her level of infatuation and whether anyone else comes along to save her/distract her.
For example, on Love Island, Olivia was all up in Chris’s dick sand until Mike came into the villa and she jumped into his dick sand, before finally returning to Chris’s pit of dicks (I’m sorry, mum).
— Love Island (@LoveIsland) June 16, 2017
So how do you spot a potential dick pit and save yourself from it?
In short, you can’t – but with the help of your friends you can minimise the time you waste in the dick pit.
Like the characters from your favourite childhood cartoons you and your mates need to have a plan. I suggest travelling in packs and carrying a big stick so you can poke the ground in front of you to check for potential dick sand.
If one of your friends falls into the dick sand, you need to calmly reassure her that you will get her out of there while simultaneously reminding her of everything that existed before she met this guy.
Then use the big stick to slowly pull her out of the dick sand while singing ‘Who Run The World’ on repeat and reminding her of all the other times she’s successfully escaped from the pit of dick to realise the bloke was actually well, just a bit of a dick.
Have you ever fallen into dick sand? Tell us about it in the comments below.
LISTEN: Osher has some advice for a girl who keeps falling for the same crappy guys.