Image: Laura Boyd, teatox survivor
About twelve months ago, my mind was abducted by aliens.
That is the only rational explanation I have for why I decided to undergo a 14 day ‘teatox’ (which shall remain nameless).
I was feeling chubby and just downright crappy (read: insecure). Ignoring the packet of Tim Tams that permanently resided next to my computer, or the late nights spent finishing uni assignments, I decided I needed a quick fix. Now!
‘What is a teatox, exactly?’, I hear you ask.
Teatox is short for tea detox. Each company boasts different teas to cure all of your ailments, from bad skin to bloating and stomach fat. Mine involved simply drinking a cup of tea in the morning, and every second day drinking a special ‘colon blend’ at night (WHY WERE THE ALARM BELLS NOT ALREADY RINGING?) and voila! Cue bangin’ bod, with no effort involved.
I was sold, particularly on the zero-effort part. I figured this teatox was going to help me lose weight and make me a goddess of health. It wasn’t like all those other phony detoxes, no sir! This was natural!
Speaking of bad dieting decisions... here are the British Dietetic Association's picks for the most dangerous diets of last year:
I eagerly started my teatox regimen. The instructions warned me not to brew the colon-cleanse any longer than 1 minute, as the effects would be extremely potent…which wasn’t alarming whatsoever (again, I remind you about the aliens).
I had my colon cleansing tea 30 minutes before bed. In the middle of the night I woke up with terrible cramps. Then, it started.
My friends, I’m sorry for the disturbing mental images, but let me just say that it flowed out of me like lava. ‘It’ being poo. So much poo.
I expected this. The colon tea was described as ‘improving digestive health’. What I didn’t expect was for this and the cramps to continue for TWO DAYS. So I conceded defeat and stuck to my morning tea, deciding that I didn’t actually enjoy diarrhoea enough to endure it on a daily basis.
At the end of the 14 days, having had only the morning tea for 12 days, I took a photo of myself and compared it with the photo I had taken 14 days earlier. What did I see?