Let’s get straight down to business. I would love to give you an intro paragraph and talk about a funny experience I had with the little one but… Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat. Little Mister Screamo is ACTUALLY asleep in the daytime (Hallelujah, praise the Lord!) and I want to write this piece before he wakes up and screams for titties like it’s the apocalypse.
Nips the size of a planet
One fine day, either during or post pregnancy you will walk into the bathroom to take a shower and check yourself out in the mirror only to realise that your once voluptuous, succulent, lovely pink-tinged little nips have morphed into gargantuan target-like objects.
That titillating pink tinge? Gone. I can only dare to call this new transformation “dark matter”.
I got bad news for you – they’re here to stay.
You don’t know sleep deprivation. No really, you don’t
Until you’ve had a baby. Symptoms resemble mental illness, dementia, incoherent speech, drooling, unresponsiveness, and in severe cases, falling asleep standing or in mid-conversation with your mother-in-law.
I know this has been expressed a gazillion times and it’s cliché, but it really needs to be articulated for that one extra millionth time. This isn’t that time you were too lazy to study for your exams and stayed up cramming for three nights, or that time you attended a three day music festival and were coming down from a cocktail of drugs.
That shit ain’t shit.
The sleep deprivation you are forced to endure with a baby is like cramming for exams with no sleep whilst simultaneously attending a music festival 365 days of the year and then going on a high and coming down again NON-STOP FOREVER. Well, at least it seems like forever.
If you have a bub that sleeps through the night… Well, bless your little heart.
Listen: Rebecca Judd and Monique Bowley speak to mums and experts about tackling the first three days with a newborn baby. Post continues after audio.
So if you don’t have a baby, don’t talk to me about how tired you are because your neighbour’s dog woke you up at 8am. I will slap you.
Pregnancy and post-pregnancy hormones are not to be messed with. They’re a whole new ball game and have made me feel womanly emotions I have never felt before, like, crying when King Joffrey died because you know, as much of a bad guy as he was, he was still someone’s son and that just sad. So sad.
Those hormones will also cause you to cry over spilled milk, cry because the sunset is just so beautiful, cry because you saw a picture of someone crying, and cry because you realised that you just ran out of salted caramel ice cream.
Hormones please, just get your shit together.
Get used to having your coffee cold
Save yourself from creating a strict diet regime post-pregnancy. You don’t need the gym either because your pregnancy weight will drop before you know it. Fast.