'So far, we have discovered 25 personalities.' Life with dissociative identity disorder.

Content warning: This story includes descriptions of child abuse, sexual assault, self-harm and disordered eating that may be distressing to some readers/listeners.

I sat on the edge of the gutter in the dark of the evening. Apart from the occasional car, the streets were empty, dimly lit with street lights. 

I felt numb. 

Completely numb.

What was going on? I couldn't make sense of what was happening or why I'd find myself in situations like this, again and again and again.

All I wanted was a normal life.

Image: Supplied.

I was free from the constraints of my childhood, able to live an adult life of freedom – or so I thought. But somehow, I kept finding myself in impossible situations where nothing made sense. All that seemed to swirl around my numb head was confusion. Confusion and endless questions.

Why was I sitting here in a gutter, having just been raped?

Why had I ended up in the hospital and ICU multiple times from near-lethal overdoses?

And what about the eating disorder that consumed so many of my waking hours? 

Why was it all so chaotic and crazy inside?

All I wanted to do was to live a normal life, to be a normal human. And I tried my hardest – I really did. But in the end, it all came crashing down, and I knew if I didn't find help, I wouldn't be around for much longer.

I didn't know what was happening then, because none of it made sense. But after a long-term residential program, years of therapy and an eventual diagnosis, it became much clearer. 

In 2021 I received a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder, or DID. (Until 1994, DID had been called Multiple Personality Disorder but was changed to reflect the fact that it is a dissociative disorder.)

To put it as simply as possible, DID is an incredibly creative and protective way for the brain to protect a child who’s experiencing immense childhood trauma.

The mind ‘fragments’ into pieces, with some holding memories of the trauma and others holding little or no trauma at all. The amnesia between parts allows the child to go on with normal life whilst other parts hold and experience potentially horrific abuse and trauma. 

Each of these ‘parts’ develops independently and separately from the others. Depending on the DID system's preference, these parts may be referred to as alters, parts, headmates or personalities.

Listen: Mia Freedman talks to Jeni, who has dissociative identity disorder. Article continues below. 

One question I’m asked frequently is, 'Who is the main or original part?' – which is quite a common assumption. I once heard someone describe it as like when someone drops a glass and it shatters on the ground. There is no original piece anymore – similarly, alters are all part of the same whole or brain; however, you can no longer pick up the 'original'.

DID is an umbrella term that covers five diagnostic criteria, but underneath that is a whole range of different experiences – no two people with DID are the same or experience DID the same way. 

The only known treatment for DID is therapy, and it’s been the years of therapy I’ve undergone – and also years of studying to become a qualified therapist myself – that has helped me become more understanding of the collective of parts or alters inside (also called a system). When I write, 'We' refers to the collective of parts, while 'I' refers to the part/alter writing this article.

So far, we have discovered 25 alters, ranging in age from young to 33. Most alters do have names that aren't the body's name – and those who have no name have the option to choose a name should they decide to. 

Although many systems have different genders, as far as I'm aware, ours are all female. 

Alters can either be out in the body, co-conscious, or in the inner world. I am the part that is out in the body, who is writing this article; the one who is 'driving the car', so to speak. Parts that are co-conscious are 'sitting in the passenger seat' – they can hear and see what is going on, but they don't have control of the body. And the inner world is a space inside our head where parts exist when they're not out in the body or co-conscious. 

When parts are in the internal world, there is no conscious knowledge of what is happening in the body. It's kind of like being inside a room in a house with no knowledge of what's happening outside.

@thehungryaustralien Replying to @Halie #dissociativeidentitydisorder #did ♬ original sound - Tarese Estelle & Co

Why do I share our experience, you might ask? Well, for a long time, I didn't; we didn't. The stigma and fear have been massive – very much not helped by the inaccurate portrayal of DID in Hollywood movies such as Split. 

It wasn't until late 2022, after seeing another creator speak up about their experience, that we had the courage to start speaking openly about ours online. Although sometimes we get hundreds of trolls and hate comments on our Tiktok live streams, it has made us increasingly conscious of how little awareness there is out there around this little-understood diagnosis. 

Despite the hate, we have seen how many people are genuinely curious and willing to learn and understand, and how many other systems feel less alone when they see someone publicly addressing DID and representing them. 

And that's why we continue to talk, to share, to create awareness. If we can help just one person understand more and one person feels less alone, then it is worth it.

If you find yourself needing to talk to someone after reading this story, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Tarese Estelle (and Co) is a qualified fashion designer and mental health advocate using her Master of therapist training to continue to educate. She also oversees Birds with a Feather, where she shares other stories of hope, courage and vulnerability. Other parts enjoy makeup, writing, watching Netflix, and flower gardening.

Feature image: Supplied.