Absurd things you say to your kids.

Don’t grab at the cat. She is the last survivor of her clan and worked as a janitor at Hogwarts. Respect her.”

“If you fart in the car, because of science you will be catapulted into outer space, where there is no Wii U. And Dora the Explorer will face jail time.”

“Shoplifting is illegal. That means you can’t just take a Mars Bar or Snickers whenever you feel like it. Toilet paper is okay, though, we’re always running out of that shit and it should be government-funded.”

“If you touch the DVR, the monster under your bed will scarf the last of the Halloween lollies you’ve stashed behind your Pokemon card collection and force-feed you asparagus. With a mushroom-and-blue-cheese starter salad.”

“What is sex? Sex is when Mummy and Daddy have three minutes alone and Daddy got locked out of his Surface Pro.”

“Don’t touch those — they are not chocolate truffles. Godiva is the grownup name given to camel testicles.”

Watch: Women share their “bad mum” moments. (Post continues after video.)

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“Don’t talk to strangers. Unless they resemble George Clooney and have a steady job at Microsoft. In that case, give them Mummy’s number, or just walk them straight home with you.”

“Never give up. Like how at four o’clock every day Mummy begins happy hour practice. She never gives up on half-priced ‘hooray juice’.”

“You are safe and loved. Except when you empty the contents of your nappy onto the floor and use your poonami to lacquer my living room. Then you are listed on Ebay.”

“Share with your sister. One day you’ll need her to post bail.”

"Mum never gives up on half-priced hooray juice.” Image via Flickr, “Lebanon Breaks Record For World's Biggest Wine Glass” studio tees. 

“Your pocket money is ample. If anything around here deserves a raise, it’s Mummy’s boobs. #JugsNeedFilling #PillowsNeedFluffing”

“Go. To. Sleep. If you don’t sleep, the planet will implode, which is unfortunate, because you’ll have to go and live with Matt Damon or those butt-headed people on Star Trek that you shouldn’t know about because you were supposed to be in bed. There is no Minecraft on Mars.”

“If you punch your father in his no-no bits one more time I’m calling an exorcist!”

“Poo or chocolate bar? Poo or chocolate bar? ANSWER ME!”

"Cauliflower, cottage cheese, and salmon are meant to be consumed. " Image via iStock.

“Where do babies come from? Babies come from… the store. You pick up a box mix, just add water and two eggs, and bake at 150 degrees for nine months...”

“How many times must we discuss this?! Cauliflower, cottage cheese, and salmon are meant to be consumed. Socks, Play-Doh, and Mummy’s earlobes, however, are not edible. Spongebob Squarepants wouldn’t stand for this — and we shouldn’t upset him; his jaundice indicates a liver problem.”

“When you grow up, you must come home and visit Mummy. And you must bring her hugs. And also vodka.”

This story by Kira Jane Buxton originally appeared on Ravishly, a feminist news+culture website.

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