Up until last weekend, I had thought wedding guest etiquette was a fairly universally understood thing.
You arrive on time, make small talk with distant relatives and friends you’d never heard of before, nodded vigorously when asked if you’d enjoyed your meal, and had at least one dance before politely slipping off home to get out of your tight dress and too-high high heels.
But apparently I was wrong. There are countless of individuals out there who have no bloody clue about these rules.
Julia Roberts was definitely a guestzilla. Source: Youtube.
They are people whose behaviour is so outlandish, so rude and so gobsmacking that they make even the most unreasonable of brides look timid.
They are guestzillas and they live amongst us, often going unnoticed for years.
Here are what just six of them look like...
The wannabe photographer guest.
"I recently attended a wedding that requested guests not take photos during the ceremony," one Mamamia staff member shared, explaining "it was an intimate ceremony and the bridge and groom didn't want to look out at their friends and family during this important moment in their lives only to see them on their phones, which I thought was fair enough," she added.
While the bride and groom encouraged photos to be taken at the reception and promised to circulate the professional shots from the ceremony, for some guests, that wasn't good enough.
"One guest stepped into the aisle and took photos of the bride as she was walking down, blocking the professional photographer in the process," she continued sounding horrified, adding that he continued to take photos throughout the remainder of the ceremony.
When questioned about his behaviour at reception, the guest simply shrugged and said he didn't care and said he didn't think they'd mind.
The worst part? "His photos were terrible."
The wedding aisle is a guest-free zone. Source: Youtube.
The "have you met my date?" guest.
You know the one time people don't want to meet your previously unknown plus one? On the day of their wedding.
Numbers are tight, prices per head are high, and the day is not about meeting new people, but spending time with the ones they already know and love.
Having to whisk a bride and groom away from their guests to deal with your impromptu seating nightmare is a dick move and sure to land you on the top of their post-wedding bitch list.
Sorry, who did you say you came with? Source: Youtube.
The "oops did I not mention I have dietary requirements?" guest, and the stupidly picky eater guest.
Brides and grooms expect there to be some dietary requirements at weddings, such is the way of the modern world. But failing to mention this and expecting an exceptional meal to appear before you without prior warning? That's a tall (and unreasonable) order.
"My now wife's friend was a vegetarian, as well as being allergic to dairy, wheat and fructose. She never mentioned any of this before the wedding, feeling that as her friend, my wife should have known and catered accordingly," another Mamamia team member told me recently.
"Amazingly, the chef created something for her, but when it didn't look as appealing as everyone else's meals she began to complain!"
Another team member said her friend had a guest email her questions like, "Is there going to be capsicum in any of the meals? I'm not allergic but I'd really appreciate there being none."
Your requirements are your responsibility, people.
Sophia Vergara had her wedding guests' dietary and health needs covered. Post continues...
The "I always liked their ex" guest.
"Last year I went to the wedding of a good friend who was marrying a guy she'd been dating for around 18 months," another Mamamia writer shared.
"Before him, she'd dated someone in our friendship group for around five years. It had been a terrible relationship and we'd all agreed at the time that them breaking up was for the best," she continued.
"Her new partner was really lovely, cared tremendously for her and had made an effort to get to know us all before the wedding."
But despite the bride's evident happiness, the friends shared their feelings amongst themselves - at the wedding.
"After a couple of drinks everyone began talking about how well they'd known her ex-boyfriend and how they weren't sure about this new guy. But none of them had dared say anything to her before the wedding and it made me really mad for her."
Not the time, not the place. Source: Youtube.
The terrible DJ who wants to take over controlling the music guest.
We get it, you have great taste in music. No one is disputing that, okay?
But before you go putting in song requests to the DJ, demanding to see the playlist or searching for the aux cord so you can take over, just take a minute to consider that the two people getting married gave the music some consideration before their big day. So as such, the music that you're trying to do away with is actually what they want to listen to.
If this were your party, everyone would understand your interest in cultivating a healthy dance floor vibe. But it's not, so you can't. Deal with it and stop demanding someone play's a Timberland throwback anthem.
Wedding nightmares are a global phenomenon. Just ask Reddit! Post continues...
The "why is this day not all about me?" guest.
Feel that you've been gipped by not being asked to give a speech?
Want to invite some of your friends along and kindly say, "I'm happy to pay for them," as though this is a ride at Disneyland?
Keen to talk about how close you are to the bride and/or groom with anyone who'll listen?
Feel that your presence is enough of a gift so decide to skimp out on the wishing well donation?
You know what? You're the worst wedding guest of all time.
This day is not about you. For six to 12 hours it's completely about someone else and if you can't handle that, stay at home.