This one goes out to the friends and families of clean-eaters. Those noble, patient souls who must endure the broccoli-flavoured smugness of their loved ones.
Hang in there, tolerant ones. We can get through this #cleaneating, vegan, gluten-free for the sake of it, I Quit Sugar phase together – one magnificent full-fat dairy cupcake at a time.
We can’t invite people over for dinner, host a birthday picnic, go out for lunch, or check social media without coming up against someone who’s decided not to eat anything normal. We can’t talk to our unnecessarily healthy friends without hearing about every ethically sourced ingredient they’ve consumed.
It’s gone too far, and we all know it. That is no way to live.
If you’ve ever been asked if your own birthday cake is made from raw ingredients, slammed for serving sausage rolls at your kids’ party, told not to eat meat in front of a vegan, criticised for shovelling bread into your bread-hole, or schooled on the dangers of sugar just as you’re biting into a sweet muffin, this is for you.
If you’ve ever been made to feel inferior, wicked, or judged by a lettuce-eating, plankton-worshipping kale-muncher… this is for you. We normal eaters have got to stay together.
And on this, the day someone thought it was a good idea to combine a brussell sprout and a kale leaf to make a ‘Kale Lollipop’, we must take action. The time has come for us to rise up against the scourge of the Smug Eaters and reclaim our right to eat full-carb, non-brown, non-vegan pasta without guilt.
It’s time to bury our faces in mainstream gelato, gorge on steak and chips, lather our bodies in butter, melt hot cheese onto our breakfast cereal, make carb sandwiches, heat up two-day-old leftovers, and deep-fry all the zucchini flowers of the world.