Rosie Waterland reviews the craziest movie of all time.
Disclaimer: I know nothing about American history and therefore I attempted to watch this film as if it were historical fact. I assumed all the vampire bits were made up and the rest was completely accurate.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, is one intense viewing experience. Released in 2012 and starring a bunch of people you’ve never heard of, it was based on the very popular book of the same name. So this is the fake historical movie version of a fake historical book. With vampires. Heaven.
Just as an FYI, you should know that this post is sponsored by Telstra. But all opinions expressed by the author are 100% authentic and written in their own words.
I’m immediately confused because there’s no White House. Where is the White House? The film opens with some little kid who sticks up for an African American slave boy who’s being abused by a plantation owner. Ah. So the little kid is Abraham. This is a very fancy movie technique that movie people use called ‘providing a backstory’. Abraham’s dad gets fired because he’s not a total racist. Then to be doubly douchey, the plantation owner also kills Abraham’s mum. Abraham is pissed.
He grows up, and decides he’s going to find the plantation owner and kill him as revenge for like, ruining his life. But when he tries to kill him, he finds out he’s a vampire, and then Abraham is all like, “Well, then naturally my life’s mission is to KILL ALL VAMPIRES” (And maybe possibly get to that slave-freeing thing later. If there’s time).
Lincoln meets some dude who teaches him to be a vampire hunter, which apparently just involves stabbing vampires with silver. It takes him ten years of training to learn this. Lincoln finally finds the plantation owner/vampire hunter who killed his mummy, and manages to kill him with the silver he spent ten years learning how to use. But right before the dude dies, he tells Lincoln that his vampire hunting teacher is actually a vampire himself. Cue lots of “WHAAA? No! But it can’t be!” looks from Lincoln. He gives up on the whole vampire thing and is all, “Well, I guess I’ll run for President then.”